Mosquitoes Face Total Annihilation Against “Smart” Swatters
After a 69% vote that overwhelmingly approved an increase in fees to fund the fight against mosquitoes that carry and spread the West Nile virus, Santa Clara County Vector Control launched its War on Itching by vowing to eradicate mosquitoes “cell by cell.”
A senior Vector Control official tried to explain the enormity of Operation Itchless by stating, “The sheer size of this has never been seen before, never been contemplated before…They can fly, but they can’t hide.”
The battle plan, called “Bite and Suck,” is a concept developed by Donald Rumsfeld, which focuses on the psychological destruction of the enemy’s will to bite.
“We will flush them out of their cells by relying on large numbers of ‘smart’ swatters,” explained Gus Hurlbut, a member of the Coalition of the Bitten. He said that precision, satellite controlled swatters have been converted from household dumb swatters and stockpiled for a decade. He concluded, “The enormity and force we will unleash upon these pests is unfathomable.”
Operation Itchless does have its skeptics, especially from a group called Protect the Culex Pipiens, who have challenged the purported links between the mosquito population and West Nile infected birds. “It stretches the analysis of County intelligence…We have not seen a bloody proboscis, uh, mosquito beak, we have no itching or irritated bites, and not one civilian has died - we can find no credible evidence to a link.”
But Supervisor Pete McHugh was undeterred by the extremist group and offered a warning. “Any person or persons that supports, protects or harbors mosquitoes is complicit in the biting and spreading of deadly toxins to innocent civilians and equally guilty and WILL be swatted accordingly.”
There is no mosquito problem in the county. If there was they would send it to the fairgrounds to entertain at the new house of music they plan to build. The mosquitos will be the only act that might want to go there.
Never heard of “The Mosquitos”; are they Hip Hop, R&B…is the music hall built yet for them to be appear…what music hall??
Hilarious story! The Bite and Suck PLan – sounds like Gonzo’s term as mayor! Or maybe it should be BITES and SUCKS.
Anyone who “supports, protects, or harbors mosquitoes” has issues far greater than this issue itself and should be dealt with harshly! Maybe swat them with a 2×4 instead of the standard smart swatter.
Music hall downtown or at the fair grounds. Let me see, at the fair ground we might get some good acts and the county will hopefully make some money, downtown the sharks get more money as they do know with the sweet deal they have for running the arena. Dump downtown! Watching the “Mosquitos” would probably be a better act than watching the sharks and have more sting to it.
There is nothing worse in the SJ area than the great indigenous NIMBY SNI Neighborhood Mosquito Sloth. These Mosquito sloth’s are usually seen lurking around Kmart, Costco, and their favorite environment Wal-Mart.
These portly inhabitants of our valley feed on fast food, video games and anything that else that involves a couch. Any notion of change or progress in their environment forces them in sugar deprived convulsions.
One ear piercing screech from any of them at the city council meeting can add years and millions to development ideas. These creatures can suck more blood per second out of a turnip than a fire hose can spout water!
Carlos –
I hope that your post was satire – are you kidding me? Not have the Sharks make more money? Where will people eat and boost business at the Fairground? What will 101 look like? I still think this attitude of sprawling around entertainment venues instead of centralizing them is just an American trait that is very hard to change. All the entertainment should be in one place so it becomes an entertainment district! Then the restaurants, bars will all benefit – and there is our economic boost!