Kids First Priority in Removal From Roadways

In a bid to clean up California’s dirtiest freeways, the US government agreed Wednesday to: “provide an $85 billion emergency loan to rescue Santa Clara County roads from litter, debris and children.”

Based on several studies, the state would have to supply billions of dollars a year to keep approximately 250 miles of freeways in a “really dirty, but not visible” state. This means that at a minimum, abandoned cars, mattresses and small children would be removed from the shoulders and medians.

“You’d be surprised how many parents jokingly tell their kids to go play on the highway,” said a Caltrans spokesman, “and then find that they actually obey.”

The Federal Reserve said in a statement that by ignoring the problem, the state is jeopardizing the health and well being of Silicon Valley commuters, which that could eventually result in the disorderly failure of traffic patterns to and from the Valley.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said the administration was working closely with the Fed, parolees and child protective services to clean up the mess “so that the freeways could meet their obligations, mitigate broader disruptions and at the same time protect taxpayers…um…we are talking about AIG?”

When contacted by SanJoseInside.com, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said, “Concerning the state of unreadiness of California’s highways, the President supports the support given by us.”