Incumbent Pyle Confident She Can Beat the Biostatic Noggin
With just nine months until primary elections in San Jose, speculation in south San Jose’s council race has already turned wacky. Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ted Williams’s son says that his dad’s severed and cryogenically frozen head will be running against Nancy Pyle as a registered Separatist in District 10 in the June primary.
“My dad has made the selfless and bodyless decision to throw his head into the ring and vie for the District 10 seat occupied by Ms. Pyle,” said son, John Henry. Mr. Henry says he will orchestrate several appearances for his dad’s melon in the next few weeks in preparation for his official announcement, but warns against the expectation of much comment.
The former Red Sox slugger’s head was severed from its body in a procedure at Alcor Cryonics Laboratory in Arizona and submerged in a liquid nitrogen-filled, silver lobster pot and frozen in 2002 where it remains at minus 320 degrees Fahrenheit on a shelf next to office cleaning supplies.
Political analysts all agree that it will be a very interesting race, and even though Mr. Williams can’t speak, or think for that matter, his fame and name recognition should fare well in a district that elected Nancy Pyle.
The South Bay Labor Council, who supported Councilmember Pyle in her first election, has already funded an independent expenditure in the form of a hit piece on the Red Sox star claiming that there were several unauthorized holes drilled in the star’s brain and the skull has been severely cracked during extreme temperature fluctuations at the facility. “We just want to point out that we don’t think he is playing with all his marbles,” said labor chief Phaedra Ellis-Lamkin.
Terry Christensen, chair emeritus of the political science department at SJSU, says that while seeking political office by a lifeless and frozen head is strange, it is not unprecedented. “Forrest did it twice here in San Jose,” he pointed out.
When reached for comment, Forrest Williams stated that he may change his plans to move into D-10 and declare for the seat, since he will be faced with such comparatively erudite opposition.
WE would all be better off if some of the council members were headless. they certainly vote that way most of the time.
Can the severed head free us all from Peter Magowans territorial stranglehold? If so, Mr. Williams has my vote!
San Jose – A decision was announced today by the South Bay Labor Council that Organized Labor will not endorse Mr. Williams for District 10 City Council. Phaedra Ellis-Lamkins was quoted as saying, “Upon further investigation, it has been determined that the holes drilled into Mr. Williams Head were done by non-union personnel. We cannot support a Candidate that does not endorse and patronize businesses that use Union Labor.”
As San Jose Police, carried a heavily guarded William’s severed head to the voting booth, IPA Attard joined Ellis-Lamkins in a protest against Ted William’s bid for Council District 10. As they marched together with the ACUL, and the NAACP, they sang, “ I would not just be a nuffin, my head all full of stuffin, my heart all filled with pain, with the thoughts I’d be thinking I could be another Lincoln, if I only had a brain!”
Ted William’s won the election by a land slide! Citizens interviewed by exit pollers were heard saying that Plye has had too many strikes against her, so they voted her out!
John:
Full disclosure: I’ve been hired by the Henry family as an advisor to the campaign.
If we had “at large” elections, we could elect a better rep for District Ten. In the meantime, someone should step up and challenge the current office holder. All they would have to do is remind the residents of D10 about the incumbent’s previous campaign where Rich DeLaRosa (a person of the highest integrity) was essentially slimed. And, don’t forget the “hack job” done on Cortese during the mayor’s race. These things are important.
Pete Campbell
John,
Very funny column. I thought I’d treat you to a few jokes I thought you might enjoy.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
7. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
8. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
10. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
3 Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
4. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
5. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
6. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
7. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
8. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
9. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
10. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly .
11. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
12. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
13. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE! Have a great weekend.
Election Night Coverage from NBC11 –
Allen Denton: Okay, I’m just now getting in my earpiece the latest numbers on San Jose council races.
Lisa Kim: We’ll standby for those results; I’m sure our viewers are eager to know who’s a head.
Allen (distracted): Ted Williams.
Lisa: Ted Williams?
Allen: Yes, Ted Williams is a head.
Lisa: Okay… that’s the district 10 race. How big is his lead?
Allen (a bit confused): How big is who’s lead?
Lisa: Ted Williams’s… how big is his lead?
Allen: I haven’t heard any news on that race yet.
Lisa: But I thought you said Ted Williams is a head?
Allen: He is.
Lisa: But you just said you don’t have any news on that race.
Allen (affecting his patented deer-in-the-headlights look): I don’t.
Lisa: Then who were you referring to as being a head?
Allen: Ted Williams.
Lisa: How can you say he’s a head if you don’t have any results on the race?
Allen: Because he’s a head.
Lisa: Ahead of who?
Allen: Hu? What is Hu running for?
Lisa (frustrated): Let me start all over. Do you have any results on the district 10 race?
Allen: No I do not.
Lisa (firmly): Okay, that part is now settled. So, what news do you have about Mr. Williams.
Allen: None. Those results aren’t in yet.
Lisa: So, despite what you’ve said repeatedly, Ted Williams is not in the lead?
Allen: I never said he was in the lead. I said he was a head.
Lisa (yelling): What the HELL does that mean?
Allen: What it means, Little Miss Four Digit SAT score, is that candidate Williams in the district 10 race is a head; the cold, dead, frozen head of baseball great Ted Williams.
Lisa (with an ice cold stare): Everyone knows that, you buffoon.
Allen: Then why did you keep asking me who was a head?
Lisa: For the same reason I ask you anything: because sometimes I forget that cold, dead, frozen heads have their limitations.
The San Francisco Giants have already signed Ted Williams’ head to replace Barry Bonds next year. Although now just a head, Williams should have better defensive range than Bonds showed this year, though he is reportedly a little rusty with the bat. Maybe if Williams gets hooked up with Balco in the off season he can become an enormous head and an offensive force to be reckoned with.
John Henry, son of Ted Williams cannot have entered his father Ted in the district 10 race since Ted’s son died young of leukemia and is also suspected of being frozen at Alcor. It is sad that after 5 years, Ted remains in the “frozen casket of absurdity” and the butt of some “humor”. Some of us are working with Ted’s eldest daughter Bobby Jo Ferrell to free him and to expose the charade of cryonics. Two books of note highlight the sad fate. My book, Brain Freeze -321F (J P Polidoro) and Alan Kunzman’s “Mothermelters” are on Amazon.com. Readers may find these enlightening and the issue more serious for the famed Red Sox icon.
You guys cut that out. My health plan does not cover injuries incurred from uncontrollable laughter.
Hu’s on first?
Good one FinFan!!
Damn. I have to admit that finfan actually posted something funny, and he did not subtly, or overtly, disparage anyone by race or nationality while doing it.
J P Polidoro,
Great cheap plug for your book. I am going to ‘head’ over to Barnes and Noble, to pick up a copy. First, I am going to roll by 7-11 to get a slurpee and hopefully I won’t get brain freeze drinking it. Then I need to go by Long’s and get some Head and Shoulder’s Shampoo. Geez, lighten up a little and find some humor in how silly us humans can be. Seems like a waste of your time trying to “free” Ted Williams’ head; he probably doesn’t know the difference at this point. Besides, what is the ‘Ted Head’ going to do if he is freed?
I know what Ted Williams head will do if it is freed; it will become a “Grateful Ted Head”.
After finding out Ted Williams’ mother is Mexican, Nancy’s campaign will run a hit piece accusing Ted Williams of being a business owner on the EAST SIDE and capture enough votes from Republicans to win. She’s got it covered. :(