The other day I checked my email only to find a note from my sister with the subject line: “My Friend Tried This and it Worked!” I wasn’t sure if it was a weight loss pill or some ointment, but when I opened it up, I found a link to eHarmony.com where I could set up an internet dating profile.
My first inclination was to think: “Why does she have to push this on me? I am meeting people just fine.” But when I stop to think about it, maybe I really am not meeting the right people—just a lot of the wrong ones. However, something always holds me back from joining the internet dating craze, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Maybe I feel there is some sort of stigma attached to meeting someone in such a systematic way. I feel that meeting someone should be natural and forcing the issue goes against some cosmic force that brings people together. But my cosmic force has not been doing me many favors lately now that I think about it.
I have several friends that have met long-term boyfriends on internet dating services, and really compatible ones at that. I even had a friend who went on so many internet dates that I told her at one point that it would go nowhere and she was wasting her time with some of the blowhards she would meet. Well, a marriage and two kids later, I guess I was wrong. (And, as punishment, I owe her a profile on match.com that is two years overdue in the making.)
Maybe it will be a last-ditch effort if I am pulling close to my barren years and things haven’t worked out for me. Are all these people a lot smarter than me in that they make dating and love more scientific than emotional? Should we match well with someone on paper (or a website), and is that a recipe for success that is better than the feeling you get when you meet someone in person? And, God knows, in this area where people work so much, maybe the good ones aren’t out and about for me to even meet. So maybe I would have better luck with finding someone through their profile online, rather than finding them in a bar, a coffee shop or at a sports event.
Most such people are not embarrassed to admit they met their significant other on a website. I know things have changed so much and it’s now accepted as normal. I don’t know why, I just can’t get myself to join in. Maybe its time for me to turn over a new leaf . . .
I understand your position re: internet dating, but a long-time friend met his wife on yahoo personals so I guess it works.
What does this have to do with San Jose? Who cares? Life is tough; get over yourself and you preconcieved expectations and then you will find someone.
But if you lead with this pathetic attitude; I would run the other way!
Random selection (finding your special person by luck) has a lousy track record. If you find that person, you still have only a 50/50 chance of survival.
I have friends who had arranged marriages. Before you think how unfair that is, think about it in terms of two families looking to find the best possible match (assuming money & status are not involved). Forget divorce – overall, they seem to have happier marriages.
Using a matchmaker is a trusted old method that’s new again. Again, the matchmaker is only as good as her/its successes. A bad matchmaker soon had no clients.
Bottom line – if you haven’t found the right person at your work (that’s where I met my wife), your church, your social organizations or in your extended circle of friends, it’s time to bring in a professional.
Let us know what happens! :o)
What Gives???? get your head outta the sand. This IS a San Jose issue – a Silicon Valley issue. We have more singles that can’t seem to connect than anywhere else. Many are transplants from around the US & abroad who no longer have the connections from school, family & their local network.
This isn’t new for the Bay Area and California. We had few women during the gold rush, few during our railroad construction and few because of the shipyards in WWII. Same reasons – uprooted people coming here for the gold – only this time, single women came too.
We need a new paradigm to maintain a healthy society (Damn, I used the “P” word – that’s a dollar). It deserves discussion.
Geez, & I thought I was a curmudgeon.
#3, SG devoted one sentence to acknowledge the busy lifestyle of your average male worker in the Capital of Silicon Valley. There you have your tiny shred of relevance. But come on SG, your posts about dating woes are bringing the summer SJI slowdown to a screeching halt every Tuesday. Maybe you would have been better off soliciting a pithy scolding from the likes of Amy Alkon.
SG sounds like alot of chicks these days…likes to go to Santana Row and shop/people watch, get drinks with friends in LG and generally wants a steady but unsure how to do so. Lets not be to harsh on her, she sounds pretty human to me.
#5
only this time, single women came too
Wrong. That is the crux of the issue. There must be a 50/1 male/female ratio in this area. Every where you go, its all men. Its been that way for years.
SG, something’s gotta give with your looks….i mean every week its the same thing…“wheres all the good men?” “whats a girl to do”? “what happend to romance?”…. i mean can it be that maybe,just maybe your not that cute and your shooting for the stars? maybe you should lower your standards girl! your sounding pretty pathetic you know….really sad.
Think of it as polishing your resume, using a search firm and targeting that prize job that now puts you in control of your future. When you’re the hunter, hunt like a professional. Think of it as hunting with a powerful scope. When you have what you want in the cross hairs, you still have control of that trigger. What do you have to lose.
#8 – Oprah – 50/1? No way. Where’d ya get that number? SJ’s demographics are actually 51/49 m/f. http://sanjose.areaconnect.com/statistics.htm In the workforce, it’s about 4/3 m/f in the 20-34 age group. http://www.sanjoseca.gov/planning/Census/data.asp
I’ve been a manager in this valley since before it was the Silicon Valley. Lotta job hopping and lotta hires. Thirty years ago, it was home grown engineers, mostly males cause females were just breaking in. Twenty years ago I was hiring 50/50, m/f 60% American born. Ten years ago, it was 70/30 m/f with 60% foreign born, now it’s about the same with maybe 80% foreign born. But that’s just MY experience.
Additionally, the supposition that male engineers are socially inept isn’t so far wrong. Some just can’t get up the nerve to try. Plus we’re now segregated into ethnic cliques that further limit the possibilities—oh, lotsa flirting but marriage? Can’t take an other home to mom.
Californian’s are very much used to mixed marriages but other cultures overseas don’t buy it.
…and Whocares – it’s isn’t about looks. You sound like Shallow Hal.
SG:
Match, eHarmony, et al, are not about some scientific approach to meeting people but simply based on the notion that if you can ‘pre-qualify’ prospects, you are more likely to get a hit. It’s the same process done in sales and marketing. In a sales approach, in the end-game, people buy from people they have a relationship with. It’s finding the prospects that’s the challenge. Similar with relationships, only the stakes are much higher in relationships.
People who have more in common are more likely to enter into a relationship. So internet services help you to get more contacts with better candidates who share some common interests and perspectives. If you were selling a product, you would go to trade shows and advertise in publications that serve your industry. Likewise, online you’re putting yourself in a market of people looking for other people. That beats bars, cafes, and the supermarket. (See the Billy Mann song “Supermarket” for details on that approach.)
I say, give it a shot.
And if you truly subscribe to some notion of a cosmic force drawing you to the right person (I do!), try Daphne Rose Kingma’s “Finding True Love,” a great book that has worked for at least one friend of mine. Lots of good answers there.
Jim’s comments about overseas perception of mixed marriages ring true. In my experience, foreign-born women (except for Europeans) are just not open to the notion of dating outside their particular ethnic group. Flirting, fine. Drinks? No thanks.
#10 – #11
foreign-born women (except for Europeans) are just not open to the notion of dating outside their particular ethnic group.
Exactly. Which further exasperates the male/female ratio in this area. To many men, not enough single women.
Also, #10 I seriously doubt there has ever been a 50/50 ratio of men/women in engineering. Maybe, you as an individual, were hiring 50/50, but even at HP 20 years ago the female engineer was a minority. Marketing and HR are the primary areas with a reasonable ratio of women.
#12 – Oprah
I’m only reporting what I was seeing and hiring in 1988. Engineering provided a great opportunity at that time and there was a large influx of females into the industry. In truth, our College Recruiting team screened out the lower performers so that could have made a difference. Still, that’s what I saw & hired back then. It’s since reverted & it’s our loss.
This is about San Jose in that its how a single girl lives in SAN JOSE. I guess I have to make that connection for some people.
To be quite honest, I kinda enjoy reading Single Gals post; even if it doesn’t really have to do with San Jose. If she had her own blog somewhere else, I’d prolly read it.
Thanks Girl from the Net. Usually I only get the bitter people posting!
I was wondering why you didn’t respond to my email! Just trying to look out for you. Maybe they could try and match you up with one of your bloggers?
Well, I just found out another of my friends is engaged to someone he met via internet dating. Give it a shot.
A friend of mine met a woman through one of those services and married for the first time @ 50+, and now he has a 2 year old.
But he can’t golf with us any longer , or do pretty much anything else, either. “Kitchen Passes” are few and far between.
Don’t ask me how I came across your post, that doesn’t matter. But even though I’m a man, I agree with you wholeheartedly.
I’m afraid your “tragic flaw” is simply being romantic
Maybe it is time to revise this attitude, and maybe not. Whatever you choose, don’t let the champions of the internet dating sport make you feel undeserving. It’s quite the opposite.