San Jose has the highest number of single men of any city in the nation. The ratio of men to women is high, and most of those men are successful, well-educated, and have a great work ethic (depending on how you look at 80-hour weeks). Many of the men are in their twenties and still single. But do men in San Jose or elsewhere want to get married anymore? In my extensive research it seems there has been a shift in the mindset of men when it comes to finding someone to marry.
Back when my parents were young, and even more recently, it seems most people went to college, met someone they liked, got married and had kids. It was simple, and though the marriages didn’t always work, it seems everyone had marriage at least on their radar. Now, it seems that people still do meet people in college and marry, but the majority seems to be trucking along in their twenties without even the desire to meet someone with that future in mind.
I meet a lot of twenty-something men who are scared to death of commitment, who don’t think about marriage at all, and who don’t even want to be “locked down” in a relationship for fear of missing out on something. Many twenty-somethings or even thirty-somethings relish their freedom and think that adding a person to their lives is giving up that freedom. Or many are so focused on their careers and making it big that a relationship is far from their minds until they reach some standard of success they have created for themselves.
Is this something that you only find in San Jose or is it like this throughout the country? Has there been a shift in the way people look and think about marriage?
Does a single gal, who wants to meet someone eventually to marry, but now wants to meet someone for companionship, run the other way if she meets a man in his twenties? The problem is the unattached thirty-something male is almost as elusive as Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.
I guess the bottom line is no matter how you slice it, meeting a companion isn’t easy.
I think love has lost its romance, so to speak. Fewer people are so enchanted as to jump into a relationship for which they’re not ready. People work at their own pace, not that dictated by elder generations.
I would like to be married, but I am not. I have dated all types of women; young, old, shy, outgoing, white, black, asian, latina, thin, plump, professional and blue-collar. They have all rejected me. Why?, because of Chuck Reed and his policies.
It’s a more competitive world and people focus on things, especially wealth and careers now. Much of the focus is on material things and having fun, work hard party hard, which does not make for a basis for marriage.
SG parties every night it seems if you read this blog. I gotta tell ya, if I met you and knew that, I would not think that you are the settlin’ down type. Booty call possibly (depends on the beer goggles), otherwise I would run for the Fremont Hills.
SG it has always confused me that men will get a woman pregnant, but not marry her. When I’ve asked these guys why, they say it’s too big of a commitment! When I point out that a child is a life long commitment, they tell me it’s not the same thing. Go figure.
In answer to you question SG, most men don’t want to get married because women make it very easy for them to side step making a commitment. Why should men buy the cow, when they can get the milk for free? Why should a man want to get married when women will sleep with them, live with them, and even have their children without benefit of marriage?
Also, today’s young women are not much of a challenge to them. The way young women dress leaves nothing to the imagination, young women today pay bills for these guys, and allow men to behave in ways that in my day, would have him out on his butt once and for all.
SG, I don’t think it’s just the men who aren’t thinking about marriage, it’s the women too. It strikes me as a Gen-X and Y thing. Those groups are less responsible than the generation before them, which is the way it’s worked for a long time. The 20- and 30-somethings in today’s society can’t handle the responsibility and commitment of marriage. The boomer generation kicked this off 40 years ago in San Francisco. Things have been looser and a physical relationship has been easier to establish ever since. Throw into the mix the ever increasing number of men who consider themselves bisexual and the options for a physical relationship skyrocket, and the chance that any of these guys want to get married takes a real nosedive.
How ironic that in an age where you can conveniently arrange a date or search for a long term relationship from your keyboard, or at this point your iphone, the interest in and instances of marriage are, I’m guessing, proportionally less than when the only way to meet somebody was face to face and often by chance.
If single SV 20-30’s man wanted to get married and have kids in 20-30″s they would have stayed in hometown, moved to less expensive city and not come to Silicon Valley with many leaving after becoming successful
Most men come for opportunity to be highly successful which requires high job focus and many hours so will delay marriage. California’s 50-60% divorce rate and community property means you give 1/2 stock, property to angry ex wife while losing your job because of divorce
Most 20-30’s women are unrealistic about what successful job demands but want benefits of success without having to contribute to success
There will always be more available attractive late 20 to mid 30’s woman for successful men so there is no penalty for delaying commitment or children only benefits
SG – What happened to all the twenty-something men who are scared to death of commitment? They don’t all turn into the unattached thirty-something males that you find so elusive. No… they all got their minds changed by the right woman and settled down. That’s what happened to me.
NY Times has an interesting article on this subject, but not just 20-30 yr-olds.
The Shelf Life of Bliss – Why the spark in a marriage might only last 3 years.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/01/fashion/weddings/01marriage.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&ref=style
One theory is that we are living in such a disposable, short-term society (think of how long people keep their personal electronic devices – 18 months) and how important it is to have the latest ‘In’ thing. And relationships, or rather people, are subject to the same disposable treatment.
Gee, what new cellphone went on sale last Friday?
However, I also think that a college education delays the onset of emotional maturity for a lot of people, particularly men. A lot of men who graduate from college at age 21 to 23, or longer if they go to grad school, are still in party mode, acting like they are in their late teens. Particularly if someone else paid for their education. (I make a distinction between, and give a lot more credit to students on work-study or some other plan to pay for college themselves.)
SG, I don’t have any better insight or recommendations for you. I think you just need to be selective in what you want, and sort the wheat from the chaff as early as you can. There is a lot of chaff to go thru.
My 2 cents.
Tom
There’s no such thing as love. Men and Women cheat and hate each other. Love is just a silly fantasy, sorry.
There will always be more available attractive late 20 to mid 30’s woman for successful men so there is no penalty for delaying commitment or children only benefits
If you mean that for the uber-successful, multi-millionaire/billionaire types, then, yes, there will always be plenty of attractive, single or not, women.
For the average successful guys only making $100K-200K a year, a single woman in Silicon Valley is a rarity.
Well, you know what they say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Single Gal,
I liked how you tied your post into San Jose, but the fact that men don’t want to commit has nothing to do with San Jose. I think that the fact that men don’t want to commit means that they want to have sex with as many woman as they can. It has become part of american culture.
” For the average successful guys only making $100K-200K a year, a single woman in Silicon Valley is a rarity. ”
SG’s and her single friends love life does not reflect your comment
SG’s probably has very narrow definition of attractive available single men that does not include many men from different income and ethic backgrounds?
SG
I think the appearance of the “Brazilian” has changed the whole dating equation. Literally leveled the playing field….
And Mark T., the comment about bisexuality being a factor-I think any hetero guy will agree-once you cross that forbidden line, you’re on the other team for good.
Bland, I tend to agree with you, but my impression is that the line isn’t as forbidden as it used to be among younger men, and once they defect they’re out of the marriage pool. Or they should be responsible enough to take themselves out of it by dispensing with any denial issues.
I think #12 is correct, and in a primal sense this should come as no surprise to anyone. The type of self discipline applied by members of previous generations is all but non-existent among the vast majority of today’s under-40 types. No healthy male wants to commit to an unfulfilling sex life. Sex before marriage has become the rule, not the exception. And even if it’s good, today’s eligible bachelors don’t have the inclination or the societal pressure to commit so they prefer to explore the benefits of playing the field. As long as they do this responsibly, and considering the planet is overpopulated already, I can’t say I’m too concerned that these guys aren’t settling down and helping to produce more mouths to feed and garbage to dump.
SG, if you’re looking for an old school guy who wants the picket fence and 2.5 kids, you’re more likely to find him on e-harmony than at an ultra lounge.
Several of my friends are really angry. They feel that the rights of illegal immigrants are being pushed in their faces, and down their throats, Some of my white, and African American friends have asked me the following questions because every time they voice an opinion on the below issues, they are called racist.
Why are whites/blacks called racist when they support LEGAL immigration, and protest illegal immigration? Did everyone forget how 911 happened?
Why did they play Hispanic music during a fireworks display on Fouth of July at the Children’s Discovery Museum? It’s an American holiday!
Secondly, if you are white and you support the San Jose Police Department, why is it okay for persons of color to bash you and say,“You can’t understand our point of view because you’re not brown”?
When did reverse racial discrimination against whites become okay?
Isn’t hatred, and discrimination wrong period, no matter what color you are?
You guys have any thoughts on how to answer questions like these? I think discrimination is discrimination period…
#16
Are you saying that San Jose men do not want to get married because they are wondering why Hispanic music was played at the Children’s Discovery Museum?
My posting in #16 was accidently put here instead of Open Thread. My apologies!
Married? Ha! I can’t even meet a gal!
Marriage is just bad news for young men today. Things have flipped: 50 years ago, only the sickly “loser” men did not get married. Now, the most successful and desirable men have no incentive whatsoever to get married, and POWERFUL disincentives (hello divorce court, goodbye savings and assets).
Eventually we’ll be like Sweden, a good thing, in that marriage will be rare, and men and women will be responsible for their own lives and wellbeing. Gold diggers of both genders will disappear.
todays morals that us mom’s have taught our sons, and thru the generations, love,respect,if men stop to think for one minute that there are alot of loving relationships, they might accept, and indulge?