Victory For Mall Rats and Buffalo Wing Lovers

With the likely defeat of Measure B, the head of the Valley Transportation Authority wants to implement a new plan, calling for a shorter, independent BART line, smaller cars and practically no maintenance.

“We just felt we had the momentum to move this project forward autonomously,” explained VTA General Manager Michael Burns. “The people almost approved it, which means they really want us to do it, and with the opening of Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits in downtown, we obviously have the critical mass and momentum.”

The VTA claims its internal studies show that a typical San Jose rider may eat lunch at Popeye’s in downtown, take the BART extension to the mall to hang out and text, ride back to Popeye’s for dinner and return to the mall that night to see a movie.

“This maximizes ridership and income,” said one VTA consultant reading from the report. “to a level that has us graphing nilpotent subgroups with infinite indices showing subexponential growth at quasi-isometric polynomial rates—this has never been achieved on mass transit.”

The VTA report also charts the millions of dollars of potential savings from the original $58 trillion price tag by using above-ground track, running it to nowhere in particular and using recycled cars from Disney’s defunct Mad Tea Party ride.