Thousands of Milpitans Flee to Alviso

The Milpitas Post reported late Thursday that San Jose’s Honor Guard, backed by thousands of City Team peacekeepers and a bevy of Taiko drummers, invaded the small hamlet of Milpitas, resulting in several dangerous clashes with their loyal and brutal band of Minutemen left over from the city’s War of Independence in 1954.

The initial conflagration took place at Carl’s Jr. on Mission Blvd., and although several burgers were hurled dangerously like greasy projectiles, no one was seriously injured.

Both sides deny culpability. Milpitas claims that the aggression is due to a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy, need for expansion and desire for regime change. San Jose claims that Milpitas is illegally capitalizing on their decades-old work on developing Silicon Valley by allowing high tech companies to locate within its city limits.

“They have always had neocolonial designs on our province,” said Milpitas mayor Jose “Joe” Esteves. “But they are acting irresponsibly and threatening the stability of an entire region, risking an unfathomable humanitarian catastrophe.”

After setting up headquarters in Newby Island landfill, San Jose troops pushed forward to downtown Milpitas, and with a small band of rebel Department of Transportation employees, wasted no time in securing Mission Blvd., thereby severing access between major highways and crippling their economy of feeding hungry travelers leaving town.

Thousands of former Milpitans have been forced to find refuge in neighboring Alviso, setting up makeshift camps by the salt marshes, living off planktonic micro-crustaceans from the sloughs, and leftover food particles salvaged from Vahl’s grease interceptor.

The VTA Board, Silicon Valley Leadership Group and Elk’s club members from both territories agreed to step in at the behest of other Bay Area cities to serve as pseudo-UN Security Council mediators.

Milpitas, which is emerging as a tax increment and sales tax behemoth, has long been an expansion target for San Jose, which has been looking to annex more land for its uber-successful Rincon redevelopment area in the north.

The escalation has also raised tensions with San Jose’s former Cold War foe and Bay Area superpower, San Francisco, to levels not seen since State Senator John Burton’s jock strap comment.

“At this point, the reconciliation and repatriation will be a long, painful process,” said San Jose Office of Economic Development’s Paul Krutko “which could certainly be sped along with the gift of the Great Mall and their sales tax revenues.”