New Flights Established After Defeat of Measure A
In hopes of increasing the number of passengers traveling by air, the newly-christened Mineta San Jose Inter-County Airport has added several routes to the most heavily commuted areas in the valley.
“The reality of BART coming to San Jose with the defeat of Measure A is rather bleak,” said Supervisor Jim Beall. “Not known to sit on our asses, we have decided to ban all diamond lanes, discontinue bus services, and mothball all light rail cars in an effort to force commuters to the sky.”
With the loss of many lucrative flights that once served cities such as Tokyo, Paris, Rome, Berlin and Baghdad, the city felt it had to take some drastic measures. Newly added routes include Fremont, Cupertino, Tracy, Morgan Hill and Larry Ellison’s house.
“This is a win-win for everyone concerned,” said Catherine Matsuyo Tompkinson-Graham, Chair of the Airport Commission. “We are taking cars off the road while increasing the revenue from airport fees and taxes that ultimately subsidize Starbucks, and Duty Free and fund the traffic Nazis patrolling curbside pickup.”
The average flight will take less than three minutes, but airport officials caution passengers to arrive at least three hours before each specified flight time.
“If passenger levels do not increase by the end of summer,” warns Ms. Tompkinson-Graham, “Reid-Hillview will become the target of a Chamber of Commerce mass-mailing, the likes of which not many have seen around here.”
Thanks for starting off my Friday with a laugh – great column. How do you do it and manage to watch Edmonton win the Stanley Cup?
Great piece John but you left out San Martin. The south county would really notice the void if they weren’t included. This would be the collection point for travelers to San Jose and beyond originating in Gilroy, Morgan Hill, San Martin and Coyote Valley. This would cut thirty minutes off the travel time from Gilroy by car. Of course the three hour check in rule and the wait for local transportation at Mineta would greatly offset any time savings. What an attraction it would be to see a Frontier Airbus or and American MD-80 landing at the San Martin South County Airport. You could probably sell tickets for that event or the subsequent takeoff.
Public transportation in our valley is, to me, like communism – we all work together selflessly for the better good of the whole. However, like communism, in this valley, doesn’t work. Communism doesn’t work because is doesn’t allow for free competition. Public transportation, in this valley, has to compete with private transportation – cars.
I live a half block from the VTA Light-trail – I tried using it to commute to work. Gosh, this is so nice because I’m working for the betterment of the whole valley. Yeah, well it took more than twice as long to get to work. Once there I was stuck there. Going to the gym at lunch was out. I couldn’t even go to Starbucks for a Latte. (Sarcasm intended) In the time I waited for a train I could have driven home.
Let’s also talk about how the “homeless” use the VTA as shelter. No one checks for a ticket to get on the Light-rail and therefore some unsavory people use it as a place to spend the day – especially in bad weather. I’m sure some are “caught” but what’s going to happen to them? Ooh – a citation. (Like a homeless person cares.) Yeah, they’re escorted from the train – big deal.
But I digress – because the leaders and people of this valley have decided throughout the years to sprawl with little or no planning, trying “bolt” on viable public transportation at this point brings me back to Communism – nice idea but doesn’t take into account the natural need for competition. (Please re-read paragraph two)
We the people, recently decided we didn’t want the only candidate that had the slightest idea how to plan cities – Pandori – so we’ll continue to waste billions on public transportation that is incompletely planned and executed.
The good news for those that insist we use public transportation is the price of gas may force more people on busses and trains whether they want to or not. (Sounds like how communism was enforced in the Soviet Union and China.)
In my dreams I see combined use facilities/communities where jobs and people, with local access to Starbucks, are in close proximity. Oh, but that’s not my idea – Pandori already beat me to that one re: his proposals for Coyote Valley.
So, maybe you’re right and we need more taxes to put fewer people on VTA. Yeah …you’re right…
(For those that want to beat me up, I know I haven’t provided a better solution. Sometimes when something is sufficiently screwed up there is no good solution – except for the price of gas. Or we could learn from China and Cuba…)
BTW – We’re actually seeing the “real” solution – people and companies are leaving the valley where housing is cheaper and “freeways” aren’t packed.
And here I thought the Norman “Why Mineta?” Intergalactice Airport was such a fine name.
Did Rich Robinson and Cindy Chavez have a hand in the new Cupertino-to-San Jose air corridor? I smell another back room deal!
The Fremont-to-San Jose air link makes sense. Larry Stone can hop a flight to watch the A’s in their new stadium.
My! If its not my favorite airport named after someone who is not dead yet. Ok, maybe, ask his wife first for confirmation. For being the capitol of Silicon valley, we have the most backward and confused airport of all time. Everytime I go to the airport for a flight, the incoming and outgoing routes have changed. This is designed to confuse terrorists I would suppose. Seriously is there a plan for this airport and one that works please? Can we show that San Jose can do something right?
Airport!? San Jose has an airport? I didn’t know that? Does Norm know? Did Gonzo know? I always thought it was rodeo or something..
One good thing about getting to the skies- no DUIs!
I think there should be a flight to the SAnta Clara County fairgrounds. There will be the rock stars that will want to fly direct to the new Music Venure at the fairgrounds. That may make it a viable venue with a landing strip next to it. That way we can eleiminate traffic in the nieghborhoods there.
Don’t worry, San Jose PD will find a way. Its “good business”.
I don’t think there will be too many rock stars going to the Fairgrounds. One, SJ will need to get its head of its butt first and secondly, I’m sure SJPD will find a way to terrorize the customers and turn it into another downtown.
Nah, a flight to Mountain View (Shoreline) would work or didn’t SJ blow that deal too with Moffet Field…
Satire worthy of John McE emailed to me today.
Manitoba (Canada) Herald
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to
hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
“He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. “They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ‘50s.
“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal Immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And
we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out,” he said.
The airport can hire many of the people covered by this pending legislation:
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which
> provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities
> Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the
> millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
>
> “Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
> necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said
> Barbara Boxer (D) CA. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of
> Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers
> will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers,
> simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are
> doing.”
>
> The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a
> long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.
> Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this
> agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
>
> Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the
> inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home
> improvement “warehouse” stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of
> hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
>
> Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man”
> positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
> responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
>
> Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to
> guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
> legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a
> significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a
> tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless
> worker for every two talented hires.
>
> Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult
> to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview
> questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have
> any skills or experience which relate to this job?”
>
> ‘As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have
> something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
> lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job
> skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage
> of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally
> see a light at the end of the tunnel.
>
> Said Senator Ted Kennedy, (D) MA, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide
> each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with
> some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”