Newly Formed “Big 6” Agree to Debate at Stephen’s Meats
Directly on the hooves of a report published in the journal “Nature Biotechnology”—stating that a cloned pig may have bacon that benefits the heart—a confident, modified Landrace pig named Stanley Pink has announced his candidacy for San Jose’s top job.
“Stanley is the only true ‘outside’ candidate,” spun Mr. Pink’s political strategist Richard Robinson, who, to his credit, has successfully elected a few “dogs” in his day. “I don’t think Mulcahy could carry Stanley’s shanks when it comes to a lack of political experience. The pig can’t even talk for God’s sake, and he lacks any discernable cognitive reasoning ability—skills, I believe, that put him in a unique position to be elected.”
Stating his political party as Vegan, Mr. Pink has emerged from obscurity with a blend of glamour and panache, flush with financial resources inherited from his Uncle Babe of Walt Disney fame. His war chest alone gives him the advantage of being considered a major candidate, officially joining the newly named “Big 6.”
A debate has been hastily arranged with a new format to include the swine, and will take place next week in a pen on Stanley’s home turf at the Stephen’s Meat slaughterhouse.
“Obviously he brings tremendous momentum to the race,” said SJSU political professor Terry Christensen, referring to the findings that cloned pigs can make their own omega-3 fatty acids. “This is akin to finding out doughnuts are good for you – there will be many more voters eating BLTs, and all thanks to Stanley.”
Most experts believe Mr. Pink will hold his own in the debates. “All he has to do is keep the campaign positive—not get dirty, so to speak,” warned political analyst Larry Gerston, “which is hard for a cloven-hoofed beast like himself, who constantly stares at muck and slime and has seen most of his relatives end up next to a plate full of eggs.”
But Mr. Robinson sees all of these life experiences as unique attributes that will get Stanley elected. “I believe pork’s time has come,” he said, “and for more ideas on how to help our campaign, please visit our official website at ItsWhatsForDinner.net.”
Hysterical! Is it wrong that its so funny because its plausable?
“…can’t even talk for God’s sake, and he lacks any discernable cognitive reasoning ability—skills, I believe, that put him in a unique position to be elected.”
Thieving Hamocrats! That sentence was lifted verbatim from a successful strategy paper published for the 2000 Republican convention, “George Bush: Simply Perfect.”
“His war chest alone gives him the advantage of being considered a major candidate, officially joining the newly named “Big 6.””
Typo alert: That should read the “Pig 6”. That more accurately describes the candidates.
If Stanley is successful in his bid for the post of Mayor maybe we could get Justin Schall to manage the campaign of another Landrace pig to be vice-mayor.
John
Great Friday funnies brings more meaning to imagery of western political saying – You can put lipstick on a pig but it is still a pig
You can put makeup on a pig but it is still a pig ( candidates wear debates / TV makeup – PC / non sexist version for JohnMichael )
You can put lipstick on pigs but that won
lobbyist slime, special interest muck, Grand Prix pork… ever heard of the phrase “putting lipstick on a pig”?
We have the ‘lipstick’ in the form of a nice, shiney, CH building – why not elect a pig for mayor?
How can a blockbuster political announcement such as this go without a comment from the ubiquitous Larry Stone?
This proves it. SJ politics are not Kosher!
I can’t come up with any clever comments like everyone else. Mr. Pink though – like Resevoir Dogs? Nice touch.
JohnIV thanks for a great weekend send off. Keep it up.
Thank’s John, but it was Karl Rove who got the pig—as you note:
“The pig can’t even talk for God’s sake, and he lacks any discernable cognitive reasoning ability—skills, I believe, that put him in a unique position to be elected.”
Why would a candidate this good settle for Mayor of San Jose?
And I don’t remember electing any Dogs.
I did, however, in my younger days head “Students for Tom McEnery”.
Though some may disagree, that turned out to be a pretty good decision.
Anyway, I am truly flattered, after Leigh Weimers, Herb Caen, David Broder, Scott Herhold and Joe Rodrigues—you are my favorite columnist.
John,
Tom’s sharp comments on Joe Rodriguez must have raised a hackle or to at the Merc. I was delighted to see his column on the front page of the Mercury News today. I see that Home depot has built a rebublican wall to keep the illigals out or was that some construction going on, and Orchard Supply has hired a security guard to make sure all the day workers don’t use the bath room facilities at the same time. It’s only a matter of time before we piss enough people off with our guilt that we will have to answer to the question. WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF? How many Mexicans did we screw to be so afraid of our gardener , maid, painter, nanny, cooks, waiters, mistresses.
Who is feeding us this stuff? Terrorists, hell don’t give the guy that serves us at our favorite resturant any ideas about what could imobilize us besides the 2 bottles of Pino at dinner.
Some guy with a match and a fuse in his tennis shoe, on a plane, and now we are spending billions, building a wall between Mexico and what used to be Mexico, that does not include an oil pipe line from Vera Cruz. Who thought up that silly shit.
The Berlin wall was to keep folks in. Are we not doing the same? could we really survive with out all the cheap labor? I don’t mean China, Asia, India, Taiwan. Japan.
Just a Sunday thought after a great week end with my All Amexican family.
The Village Black Smith
Hey Gil – does Mexico enforce it’s southern border?
Thought so.
Why don’t you lay the blame for the plight of your people at the feet of Vincente Fox and the uber-corrupt Mexican gov’t?
Why don’t the thousands of illegal foreign nationals take buses and go sing the “We shall overcome” songs in Mexico City?
Mexico – heal thyself.
In response to Richard Robinson’s statements Friday, Michael Mulcahy sharply replied “Move over Bacon. Your days are numbered. They won’t be serving SoyBoy Leaner Wieners at the new A’s Stadium. You’ll be sitting out in left field after the next debate.”
Get the full story here:
http://newballpark.blogspot.com/2006/04/this-shouldnt-surprise-but-it-will.html
What private deal did Mulcahy and cousins, John and Jason DiNapoli, A’s owners make to support Wolff’s A’s coming to San Jose after Mulcahy is elected Mayor? What is real reason Mulcahy without political experience or interest is now spending family millions running for Mayor?
Where is Sunshine now and city public competitive contract bids or only for non millionaire and their lobbyists? Are Wolff and DiNapoli families going to financing baseball stadium and A’s move with downtown real estate development rights and public tax subsidies to enrich families and friends? Which good old Bellermine boys. local real estate families and politicians are buying up downtown property options and in on city baseball, downtown development rights and tax subsidy deals?
Dan, is this Metro’s next week front page article with call for more baseball deal and development rights Sunshine?
Who is John McEnery IV?
I am stunned at how little commentary this very apt posting from John garnered.
Hmmmm #15 …. that’s “Bellarmine” boys , no “e”. The rest of your tirade is better spelled but leaves out any mention of Mulcahy on the grassy knoll in Dallas. He “could” have been there, but it’s too small a space for all the DiNapolis. TMcE
Tom—actually, I don’t think Mulcahy could have been on the grassy knoll in Dallas. He’s too young.
Time travel or shape shifting or a doctored birth certificate, Don – all is possible for the Bellarmine boys in the Jesuit-Rosegarden conspiracy. TMcE
“In a press release celebrating a March 25 rally in Los Angeles against immigration-law enforcement that drew an estimated 500,000 people, ANSWER said it helped organize “a major contingent in the march” and provided logistical support. The march was co-chaired by Juan Jose Gutierrez, director of Latino Movement USA, who also is a member of ANSWER’s Los Angeles steering committee. “
Communists are organizing the immigration protests?
Funny, I don’t seem to recall seeing this in the daily bird-cage-liner (aka the Mercury News)
Pull up to the Hypocrisy drive-thru window and Super-Size it.
TULTITLAN, Mexico (AP)—Considered felons by the government, these migrants fear detention, rape and robbery. Police and soldiers hunt them down at railroads, bus stations and fleabag hotels. Sometimes they are deported; more often officers simply take their money.
http://tinyurl.com/prpz3
Anyone see this in the Merc by chance?
Will our beloved Gang of 11 Invertabrates issue a proclamation this week condemning the Mexican government for inhumane treatment of illegal aliens?
I shall spend this week on the edge of my couch awaiting the answer to these questions.