Budget Cuts to Mental Health Services in Question
Varmints are in the news again this week as renegade squirrels descended on a sleepy South San Jose school on Wednesday and attacked several students and a room mom during snack time.
“It was gruesome, just horrific,” said one administrator. “Circus cookies, juice boxes and tears flying every which way.”
After capturing several of the furry beasts, animal control turned them over to San Jose Police who took them downtown where they were detained, interrogated, and then euthanized after outrageous claims that the cuts in county mental health programs left them vulnerable to such violence.
Several blogs have since uncovered historic signs that show aberrant patterns of behavior by this specific breed of tree squirrel and published some of their disturbing poetry that mentions “helpless children,” “schools filled with kiddie flesh” and the “great taste of classroom paste.”
“It’s absolutely unacceptable that these vermin weren’t detained before,” said one parent. “These passages are more brazen and alarming than rap lyrics.”
One vector control specialist agreed that there were “telltale signs that these critters weren’t right in the head.” She went on to say that most of them had pasts that included mental health issues, stalking violations, and weapons charges that should have been a siren call.
After news of the “smackdown” between rodent and child in classroom 1b of Evergreen Elementary reached Santa Clara County Chief Executive Pete Kutras, he immediately went on the defensive, warning that he wouldn’t play scapegoat. “Everyone knows of our budget woes,” he said. “We have had to make tough, and let me say commensurate, cuts to ALL of our programs, not just mental health services. So when the squirrels point to a lack of resources, well, they are just flat out lying.”
I’d say it’s more east than south.
PETA Reacts to Squirrels on Campus
San Jose (FFN)—In response to a recent, unpleasant encounter between students and wildlife at a local elementary school, an official from a local branch of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has announced that group’s plans to hold a series of educational programs at San Jose area schools. Scheduled for late this month, the programs are being presented with the goal of reducing the risk of injury to area wildlife in future encounters with humans.
“We need to teach students and faculty to view their wild neighbors with a different attitude, one built on respect, not fear” said Wiggsy Skru-Luuz, local chapter president. “The real tragedy in the Evergreen incident is that had there been no panic, there would’ve been no psychological trauma for the squirrels, and no bite injury to the humans.”
“At this point in the food supply cycle squirrels are jumpy, and especially defensive about the safety of their nuts,” she added.
Skru-Luuz went on to explain how the school incident was, like so many other negative encounters between humans and animals, the inevitable result of what she referred to as “our barriers and borders mentality.”
“These are ideas we view as unnatural,” she said. “We erect buildings, in this case, a school, without any regard for the local wildlife or its right to exist. Frankly, if the squirrels were in a classroom, it’s only because the classroom should never have been built there.”
In an effort to ease some obvious concerns, Skru-Luuz assured everyone present that the program would not include any suggestion of demolishing any school. “No, nothing like that. We have no desire to frighten kids, plus, we don’t quite have the votes we need in Sacramento for that.”
Skru-Luuz said that the upcoming program, entitled, “Deserving of rights like you and me: When Mr. Squirrel comes down from the tree,” was designed for children and based on an earlier, highly-successful effort created in collaboration with the Sierra Club, called, “Deserving to live like any other: When Mr. Mountain Lion eats your brother.”
Maybe we can outsource the capturing of squirrels if the county can’t afford to do it. Let put a bounty on them.
Are you kidding, Kutras ???
Since 1965, Morocco Mole and I have been consumed in trying to come up with secret gadgets to protect the city of San Jose. However, because of the fast pace of Silicon Valley technology we were left in the dust !
With our mental health at rock bottom, we turned to you! What did you do ???
Nothing !!! Nada !!!! “El Zippo” !!!
Why even our good buddy, Atom Ant, roams San Jose’s streets confused due to lack of identity. So …. In conclusion, unfortunately, we could see this classroom statement coming.
Kutras …. It’s Your Move …
Secret Squirrel