Limited Time Offer Comes with Two Hours Free Parking
With cruising at an all time high downtown, Conditional Use Permits handed out like penicillin in a whorehouse, and gun battles taking place in front of nightclubs, the downtown business community has responded by implementing an aggressive program that will distribute free Taser stun guns for the defense and safety of those visiting downtown.
The program will begin after dusk and is available to all visitors that are not frequenting the nightclubs. When exiting downtown, the stun guns can be placed in any mailbox and will be sent back to the city for reuse.
“I believe in this program 100%,” said Frank Cucuzza, a property and business owner in downtown. “It’s about time we leveled the playing field and armed our guests.” He admitting to packing heat regularly and that his personal favorite, the Taser X26c with Electro-Muscular Disruption technology, can take down the toughest of targets. “This thing’d make Big Foot shit his pants,” he promised.
To fight the new program, an unofficial cadre of nightclub owners has retained the services of Silicon Valley Advisors (SVA), one of San Jose’s most successful lobbying firms. “My clients have been given a bad rap,” said Ed Alvarez, founding partner of the SVA. “Shootings, stabbings and death are just part of the bargain with these types of places.” Mr. Alvarez said his clients were afraid that the armed patrons frequenting their clubs would be put in harm’s way. “What’s to stop your average soccer mom from randomly pumping 50,000 volts into the gut of one of these thugs?”
In related news, all downtown Starbucks will be giving away a bullet proof vest with the purchase of their new medicinal marijuana flavored lattes in the month of November.
John, even though your posts are not meant to be taken seriously, and considering Tom’s post from Wednesday, there is a serious problem downtown. I don’t go out to the clubs so have never witnessed the cruisers and bruisers that have been described but it does sound dangerous and very un-SJ.
I will be commuting to downtown Oakland all next week and will be there until well after dark. It’s a sad commentary on downtown SJ when I feel much safer walking the dark streets of Oakland to my car than I would in downtown SJ.
Why isn’t this problem getting more press? Seems to me that if the Merc made a big deal out of this that maybe it would put pressure on City Hall to make some decisions about how to resolve it, although the current Council couldn’t resolve its way out of a paper bag. Maybe the Merc doesn’t want to blab that their precious downtown isn’t the sparkling jewel they want everyone to think it is?
Who is the Council rep for downtown? Why aren’t they doing something about this? Oh, right. I forgot. It’s Cindy.
Mark-
Obviously I have taken the problem to absurd levels, but let me make it real clear – the reason I chose to write about the issue is not to make light of it, on the contrary, I want to keep the issue front and center. This is a VERY serious problem that needs to be addressed immediately.
We need to start with the way Conditional Use Permits are issued – these are necessary for entertainment uses and businesses that want to stay open past midnight – presently, they are issued with the land and run for five years allowing front men to open a “good” club and then sell the asset to the highest bidder, usually coming from out of town and bringing their bad element.
The CUPs need to be issued to a specific business, that way if they are habitual violators of any city codes, ordinances, or laws, their permits can be revoked and the problem is solved, ensuring they don’t dump the club, or reorganize the ownership on paper and reopen.
The downtown needs bars and clubs and there are many good ones, but they also need to stand and fight against the bad element so that we can have the type of downtown we have been working on for so many years.
Many business and property owners, along with the Downtown Association and the Police Department are going to be meeting in the next week to hopefully make some very positive strides toward solving this issue.
John, thanks for your additional comments and please don’t get me wrong as I have no problem with your posting today or any other Friday. They never fail to display your creative writing talent!
This issue is a far higher priority than ridding downtown of Queztalcoatl, that is for sure.
I am looking forward to my first “night on the town’ in a few years and have a quick question-Will this stun gun fit inside my parachute pants? I am planning to go to either DB Cooper’s or California Beach Chalet and want to be ready for trouble.
Downtown SJ is a lost cause. The police are overwhelmed by gangs, and taser won’t do any good because the gangs will use their machine guns to abliterate you. It’s a dangerous proposition to use a stun gun. Downtown SJ is simply too dangerous for anyone, including the bad guys.
John,
Thanks to you and Tom for highlighting a serious city wide public safety issue that while more serious in the downtown area is a widespread problem in many neighborhoods in District 3, 5, 6 and 7 as well as some other areas in San Jose.
California alcohol regulations are inadequate as well as not enforced which cause significant public safety problem for cities , for example California does not allow Sa Jose to approve gas station convenience stores without alcohol sales
The neighborhood, business and community leaders should work together with our city Police, Planning and Code Enforcement departments to use public safety, code enforcement and conditional use regulations to develop city wide solutions rather than develop solutions for different areas of the city since we will just move the problems from one neighborhood to another.
The neighborhoods are already working on the gas station convenience stores and will then work on the city wide off site sales problem where there are widespread neighborhood problems especially in SNI neighborhoods with sales to minors, alcohol abusers and where alcohol contributes to child / spousal abuse, gang and drunk driving problems
Lets all work together to control or solve the problems rather than move the problems to another area or neighborhood in San Jose
It seems to me that this is an opportunity for Cindy Chavez to show some leadership potential by taking the lead in solving these problems. It is her district after all.
A lot of people seem to think she’s running for Mayor as the “labor candidate” with no real qualifications. This could be her chance to prove them wrong. Or not.
Can she take on the club owners who cater to the undesirables? Can she convince the police to use tactics that get rid of troublemakers without alienating legitimate patrons of downtown businesses? Can she persuade the rest of San Jose that downtown is not becoming a weekend war zone and is safe to visit?
Again, it’s her district and she wants to become the next Mayor of San Jose. There’s a problem that needs solving. Will Cindy provide leadership that will produce solutions? It will be interesting to see.
Mal Content has a great point –
Which of our Mayor candidate’s has the balanced leadership results in their district and city wide that benefits everyone just not their political supporters ?
We have been fooled before by dishonest unethical professional politicians with hidden agendas or private behind closed door prior committments because we did not insist on recent San Jose balanced political leadership, let’s not be fooled again
This satire is great to show a real problem and bring more attention to it. This really shows how ridiculous things are here, it doesn’t make LIGHT of it.
Hey – we just passed Detroit in size, maybe we can catch up in murders soon!
All these problems will continue happening until more and more people give a damn about it. Decent people just cease coming downtown but I hope with the influx of all those new condos that the tide will have to turn….
Excellent question: Where is Cindy in all of this?
Mark T – Heard this week that there were 4 separate shootings on one night in Oaktown. Godspeed!
Is Cindy Chavez truely able to show leadership? You really have to ask yourself this question: why is she the only mayoral hopeful who hasn’t even filed the Candidate Intention Statement. Is she really committed to running for mayor, or just testing the waters?
Chuch Reed, Dave Cortese have both filed theirs, along with one other gentleman. They have also filed the important Declaration of Source of Funds which is also required before spending any money on a campaign.
Perhaps this is because Cindy hasn’t spent, or received, any money yet – but maybe it’s because she’s really not committed to running.
Also, a lot of ink (pixels I guess in the blog) has been spent discussing the mayor – but what about the other 10 important votes on the council. Who is hopefully leaving – and more importantly who is going to replace them. What effort is going to be made to avoid another politician from the exact mold of the majority of what we have? If you have a bussel of apples and most of them leave a bitter taste when you bite into them, how can you hope the next one picked from the same tree will be any better?
Something to think – – and talk about!
Don’t expect much improvement downtown if good ol’ boy Manny fills the council seat again. Things might even get worse, if that is possible. Lotsa luck to all of us—we’ll need it.
One Saturday night, at about 9pm, as I was unloading a cab of out-of-towners, one of the men announced he was going to walk around and check out our city. I warned him to do so at his own risk. “Mr. Southern California” thought I was pulling his leg. Hope he still has it.
It doesn’t matter if we have one politician in office or another San Jose is not Los Gatos, Saratoga or even Campbell.
San Jose has three types of citizens that come into town for entertainment at night. The limo crowd in for the opera, plays and dinner fundraisers at the Fairmont. Next, the butterfly tattoo, wine drinking jazzies. And then the bad boys and gals with some tattoos that will scare your socks off.
So what’s our politician to do? Tell a good portion of the citizens we have no room, in San Jose, for them and their hip hop clubs and possibly their hot-misguided minds and guns? Tell them to stay on their side of the tracks. Can you say ACLU?
Posted while iTunes spit out “Low Rider” by War.
If San Jose is the safest big city in the United States. Imagine how much worse and unsafe all the other big cities are. San Jose’s downtown is alot more diverse then Los Gatos, Saratoga and even Campbell. We have all the social classes represented in the city. We have the rich, the middle class, the poor and homeless. We have the salvation army and a various number of homeless shelters that all those rich cities don’t even contend with. Those cities have different demographics then we do and I don’t think we’ll ever be like them.
How bleak this all sounds…please keep us posted on the meetings, John; downtown needs a break!!
girlfromthenet-
Downtown San Jose is a great place to be – I don’t think we want to be like Los Gatos, Saratoga or Campbell – and all social classes should be represented in an urban area…
The beef here is when you get a single source that begins to attract those that carry guns and knives…a municipality and/or its citizens that are affected by the wreckless and life endagering activities of this source should be able to curb its activities or put stricter controls in place so that it is forced to change its ways – not be handcuffed by the systems that are there to protect against this very threat.
A lot of people are working hard to make downtown a great experience, and many have their lives invested in it. There is no room for those who operate establishments with a wrecklessness that attract thugs who put other people’s lives in danger, period.
But that is only my opinion…
JMCE,
I totally agree with you. My comment was reserved for those who keep whining about why can’t we be like Los Gatos, Saratoga or Campbell and my response is, we have a totally different demographic then those cities.
Mal # *: Cindy is MIA. She doesn’t burp without asking Phaedra first.
If Downtown SJ is getting more trouble makers roaming the street selling drugs and prostituting…why not explore the same option the mayor of SF is proposing and have cameras rolling to reduce crime in the area.
HJ,
What music do you propose these clubs play? dont be a moron, the landlord/business owners will run thier establishment any way they want. They have a business to run and they are catering to thier clientel. Its a few bad apples that are ruining it for the rest.
The hell with the ACLU just don’t allow these clubs to bring tin the types of music that draw a bad crowd. It is up to the landlords and the city council to solve this problem the meeting should be the city and landlords to deny these types of uses that draw rowdy, dangerous crowds.