Council Decides To Ban Kids Instead

In an unintended consequence of Councilwoman Nora Campos’s proposal to ban new fast-food restaurants in San Jose, the council has decided to allow fast food growth, but also try to protect kids from childhood obesity by banning them from the city.

“This is the perfect compromise,” said child advocate lawyer Jenny Brown. “Capitalism wins and so do the kids.”

Saying they believe in small business, a free market and chulupas, the council decided that since kids cannot be trusted to show restraint, they should be moved away from the temptation of daily “runs to the border.”

“Just the mere sight or smell of a Jack-in-the-Box bacon cheddar wrap can stimulate a child’s thyroid hormone production into thinking they’re hungry,” explained Dr. Alex Burgher. “It’s like crystal meth.”

Newborn children will be shipped to an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert, hundreds of miles from the nearest fast food establishment, and raised until they are 18 and can return to San Jose with self-discipline and restraint intact.

“We certainly don’t want families to panic,” said a representative from San Jose’s Con-Vis bureau. “The same thing was done with Todd Marinovich and he became a professional athlete.”