Complaints of “Gamey” Chicken Marsala
San Jose’s favorite romance, between City Hall peregrine falcons Carlos and Clara, came to an ignominious end yesterday after three employees discovered that they ingested most of the birds after complaining that their weekly Thursday lunch special of chicken marsala tasted “gamey.”
“The mushrooms and shallots masked the taste to a certain degree,” said Redevelopment Agency Director of Parking and Administration Abi Maghamfar, who wolfed down Carlos, the father bird. “And to be honest, I thought it was just typical bad cafeteria cooking until I was picking a long feather out of my teeth.
No one knows how the falcons ended up in the cafeteria disguised as chicken, and police investigators are treating the deaths as accidental, but they have not entirely ruled out foul play.
“Unfortunately bird murder isn’t as uncommon as you might think, usually perpetrated by bureaucrats,” said bird taxidermist Lee Bough. “These birds represent freedom, exploration and a strict diet of earthworms—everything a civil servant longs for.”
This tragedy is especially poignant during a time in which San Jose school children are in the midst of a naming contest for the three chicks left behind. But attention is now focused on a fund to relocate the baby birds and find foster falcons to adopted them.
All donations can be sent to the Santa Clara County Police and Sheriffs’ Athletic League, c/o Armand Tiano.
You really had me going this time but then you went too far. Just imagine. A City position entitled “Redevelopment Agency Director of Parking and Administration”.
That’s a good one!
Steve may be right about the Taser. Look what I found:
New from Ronco, the Insta-Fry™ Kitchen Taser
Now you can fry your favorite meats, chickens, and even raptors with the Ronco Insta-Fry™ Kitchen Taser. This battery powered cooking miracle weighs only nine ounces, but can deliver a crispy 29,00 volts*, enough power to fry a three pound chicken, cook a pound of bacon, or teach junior not to bug mom when she’s busy in the kitchen—all in six seconds or less! This revolutionary cooking sensation will make you the envy of your neighbors and convince that husband of yours to treat you like the princess you are.
Act now and get a set of Ronco Kitchen Defibrillator™ Paddles for just three easy payments of $19.99
*Not recommended for use under airport approach paths or on people under the influence of drugs
John
As a devout Muslim, I found your article to be very disparaging. Why couldn’t the birds have been cooked into a stew by some boozy Irishman?
Good Day Sir.
Bland bin Bung
I hope I win the naming contest with my entry ‘Madison Nguyen’.
The entry is much more poignant now that San Jose has literally eaten its young.
Yeah, they’ve been disposing of the cops who o.d. on confiscated drugs from evidence lockers as baby back ribs for years. Hahaha!!!
frustrated finfan – Thanks for the belly laugh. You are too funny.
To bad there isn’t a cafeteria at City Hall ala Gonzales and his GonzoDome!
Finfan #3,
But does it work if the chicken is high on PCP?
According to Raj, this too is the fault of the SJPD, probably due to a taser.
Steve: The answer to your question is no, the Insta-Fry doesn’t work on blasted chickens; which is why I stopped buying my birds from Elmwood Farms (not to mention the fact that at least half the birds arrived with dope stuffed up their … well, you know).
John McE: The Insta-Fry on Creature Features?—a marriage made in heaven. But hold onto your wallet, Insta-Fry has hit a slight bump in the road in the form of class-action suits. Two of them to be exact. PETA hit us first, on behalf of birds of a feather, then attorney John Burris followed with a me-too suit on behalf of people of color. Plus we’ve got a nuisance claim involving an undocumented kitchen worker who used his employer’s Insta-Fry in place of jumper cables (it blew the Virgin statue right off the dashboard). And on top of all that, there’s a rumor that Sally Lieber is seeking to make criminals out of all those parents who’ve discovered that the Insta-Fry is much more effective than a time-out.
I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board.
#11- Frustrated Finfan,
“I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board.”
No worries FF, I see a real future for you in marketing.
FinFan-
I want to invest – take it to late-night, Channel 5 Creature Feature mid-movie break and you’ll sell millions.