Says Galvanizing Searches Might Help Find Bin Laden
In a speech on Thursday in Beijing condemning China’s human rights record and it’s restrictions on internet access during the Olympic games (scooped on SanJoseInside.com last week), President Bush took an opportunity to address the “War on Terror” by proposing an Amber Alert system in the Middle East to help catch Osama Bin Laden.
“Mission accomplished,” he said. “Heh, heh, heh…”
Referencing the recent success in San Jose, where police were able to find six abducted children when a couple responded to the Amber Alert, the President said that he would pledge several billion dollars for Halliburton to install the same system in the deserts and mountains of Afghanistan.
“We are confident that with this Amber Alert system,” the President announced, “we will be able to find this cave dweller in a matter of hours.”
After uncovering key information about Bin Laden from informants, his former driver and his camel, Omed, the FBI has concluded that the specific physical descriptions gathered are enough to meet the criteria used to determine broadcastability.
“This is a no-lose situation,” said Halliburton CEO David Lesar. “Not only will we waste millions of dollars on corporate salaries, but if the system doesn’t work, we’ll broadcast Jim Beall speeches and drive him out of his spider hole.”
In his speech, Bush took the opportunity to lecture the Chinese on their Human Rights violations.
He chastised them for torturing political prisoners. He berated them for failing to provide free and fair elections. He lambasted them for their secret police. He called on them to end their state sponsored spying of their own citizens and their use of secret prisons.
Bush thoroughly denounced the Chinese dictatorship. He called on them to uphold universally accepted principles of international law. He proposed the Chinese create an unbiased legal system free of political infuence within their own borders.
He stated the Chinese statements regarding their own natinal actions were simply not credible and contrary to the known facts. He noted their actions had made them a piriah among all other nations in the world.
The Chinese Government was quick to respond in simple English.
“Physician cure thyself.”
I’m afraid old Osama has probably fled to one of our sanctuary cities here in the U.S. – possibly even right here in San Jose, where, as an undocumented immigrant, he need never worry about being hassled by law enforcement.
Rich on #2,
You recently spoke about the “power of political will” and how much political will was behind BART to the East Bay.
Do I need to remind you about the dangers of “political will”? A scary concept. Political will brought us George Bush.
Political will is a very, very dangerous concept!
Just in case Halliburton can’t suck up enough tax dollars, the Department of Education is at the ready with a “No Terrorist Left Behind” program. Its elite educators are no cinch to find Bin Laden, but they’re certain to share with the Afghanis their educational philosophy of equality through mediocrity.
I have it on good authority that Bin Laden has shaved off his beard and is living in retirement on his Reagan-era CIA pension in Jupiter City, Florida.
Bin Laden and the Genie in the Bottle
Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?”
“Infidel, don’t you know who I am? I need nothing from a lowly woman,” barked bin Laden.
The genie pleaded, “But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever.”
Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he relented. “OK, OK, I want wake up with three white, American women in my bed in the morning. I have plans for them.” Giving the genie a cold glare, he growled, “Now, be gone!”
The genie, annoyed, said “So be it!” and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no health insurance.
7 – So, what’s the punch line?
John: I should think that broadcasting Jim Beall speeches would be a MAJOR violation of the Geneva Conventions. It would make Abu Grahbe and Guantanamo look like kindergarten experiments in mere obnoxiousness by comparison. But would it really drive him out of the caves, or would it just put old Usama to sleep?
JM IV, your last paragraph sounds a lot like home:
“This is a no-lose situation,” said Halliburton CEO David Lesar. “Not only will we waste millions of dollars on corporate salaries, but if the system doesn’t work, we’ll broadcast Jim Beall speeches and drive him out of his spider hole.”
Your dad gets $6 million to fix up his portion of downtown at the public’s expense to cover the cost of running Latinos out of his distict in addition to court costs insntead of using the funds for actual public needs like gang abatement; and everyone tied to the deal walks away with smiles on their face!!! Only in America… Only in San Jose!!!