Budget Cuts Force Donkey Patrol in Downtown
Faced with the grim task of choosing between fiscal responsibility and horses, the San Jose City Council, rather than suspend the police department’s popular horse-mounted unit, made the tough decision to retire the horses and substitute them with more financially efficient donkeys.
“These jackasses couldn’t function properly even if you whacked ‘em with a 2 x 4,” said one downtown resident, “but I’m looking forward to seeing the donkeys downtown.”
Although not as impressive, quick or athletic as a horse, nor able to give the officer the vantage point that comes from sitting atop horseback, the burro does bring certain advantages over its taller, quicker, more beautiful cousin: it’s bowels move more infrequently.
“We have a problem with clubbers rooting themselves in piles of horse dung at closing time,” said officer Ross Mitchell. “It’s cold, they’re drunk, and it provides a warm, soft, steamy place to sleep. The donkeys will help keep them moving.”
Most of those we interviewed are very excited that the mounted unit will survive the budget ax.
“The average person has the impression that these are stupid animals,” said Councilman Forrest Williams, “but quite to the contrary, they are very intelligent beasts. I have talked with several that work in hi-tech jobs here in the valley.”
The compromise seems to be accepted across the board and the conventional thinking is that there is no better way to ring in the holiday season than by hitching your wagon to an ass.
Time to get off our asses and focus on the rise in property crime.
Hope they never get rid of that beautiful and outstanding horse mounted unit. They add class to the the city.
Fresh off their triumph with giving IBM’s rotting Building 25 a reprieve from demolition thanks to their trustworthy judges, savoring yet another win over the City Council and the taxpayers and Lowes, the Preservation Action Council’s move to replace horses with more historically correct jackasses is well underway, as John III has noted. If it is successful, they will have another coup almost as big as moving the Montgomery Hotel’s monstrous mASS a few feet south at a cost of millions to ever-compliant taxpayers.
George Green
Wouldn’t a hybrid be more environmentally friendly? You know, a mule.
A mule is an animal with long funny ears
Kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny but his brain is weak
He’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
And by the way, if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule
So, does this mean Mr. Ed will be given a severance package, resume counseling, a good reference and 6mo. Health care continuation?
I overheard a couple of CH staffers on my lightrail ride into downtown mention that CH is buzzing over a recent global warming breakthrough wrt Kangaroo flatulance down under.
If the veracity of the Aussie research holds, look for SJPD horses to be retrofitted with Kangaroo intestines by 2010 said the staffer.
He went on to say that CH is also eyeing the prospect of extending the Kangaroo intestine retrofit to staff. Apparently Chuck Reed’s global warming motivated draconian ban on staff burrito consumption has angered the rank and file downtown.
One of the ideas being floated is to lift the burrito ban for employees who opt for the Kangaroo intestine upgrade.
Seems kinda crazy to me – can any of the CH’ers that hang out here shed any light?
4 – George – It doesn’t bother you that the City Council ignored PAC and proceeded to take an illegal action? PAC did not cost the taxpayer’s a penny—a City Council did because they ignored documented information that they were violating the law but they proceeded to do so anyway. As a taxpayer I prefer my elected representatives to follow the law—apparently you don’t.
As for the Montgomery, talk to your buddy Ron Gonzales about that. PAC wanted the hotel preserved where it stood and incorporated into the Fairmont annex design. The Mayor and Council and the Fairmont refused, so the Mayor proposed spending $12 million to move the building a short distance. By doing that they destroyed about a third of the historic structure.
If the city would listen to PAC the City would save the taxpayers millions of dollars. Instead, ignorant folks like you place the blame on PAC instead of where it belongs—on our elected leaders.
Get your facts straight, George. You’re pretty much batting .000 when it comes to preservation-related issues.
Have a good weekend.
Seems many of the donkeys are quickly moving up the command chain.
A number have scored really high on the sargents test and have now been given leadership responsibility in downtown!
George there you go again never let facts or the truth get in the way of your false statements and attacks on your 2 favorite ranting targets – Preservation Action Council and downtown neighborhoods
Poor George, he can’t help it…He was born with his foot in his mouth
The politically correct term for an ass is burro per the NAACP (Nemesis Against Ass Calling People).
John,
Pick another subject “quick”. Very poor taste.