Newly Formed “Big 6” Agree to Debate at Stephen’s Meats

Directly on the hooves of a report published in the journal “Nature Biotechnology”—stating that a cloned pig may have bacon that benefits the heart—a confident, modified Landrace pig named Stanley Pink has announced his candidacy for San Jose’s top job.

Copycat Reality Show in Alum Rock Park to Decide Mayoral Contest

The five lesser-known mayoral candidates have upped the ante in this year’s mayoral contest by “calling out” the Big 5, as they have been labeled, to a winner-take-all Survivor contest in Alum Rock Park.

Also Suggests Holocaust was Staged

Just days after suggesting that San Jose’s government was “as open as a French whorehouse on Bastille Day” and that “sunshine law” reforms were ridiculous and a waste of time, Mayor Ron Gonzales continued his stroll through some warm and fuzzy fictional world by attacking Sir Isaac Newton and his Universal Laws of Gravitation.

$1.2 Billion Deal Creates Media Giant

Just days after the Sacramento-based McClatchy Company announced it would sell the San Jose Mercury News to pay down debt acquired with the $4.5 billion takeover of Knight Ridder, an unlikely “white knight” has stepped in to purchase the local rag vowing to keep it “viable and local.”

“Too Much Public Participation” Say Williams and Campos

Calling for more secrecy in government and saying they want to encourage less public participation, San Jose City Council members Forrest Williams and Nora Campos are proposing a series of “sunset” reforms.

Businessess to Relocate at Fairgrounds

Just days after the Mardi Gras melee, and in anticipation of St. Patrick’s day celebrations, several city department heads called a community wide meeting with downtown business owners, property owners, and nightclub operators to announce downtown was being converted into one big nightclub.

$4 Million Subsidy Approved for Bare-Breasted Bacchanalia

The City of San Jose has chosen Team San Jose, a California non-profit public benefit corporation led by Con-Vis Chief Dan Fenton, to organize and run a Girls Gone Wild Silicon Valley Edition that will take place in downtown San Jose in mid-August.

Watchdog Groups Fear Censorship

Hot on the heels of Google’s successful implementation of their internet-censoring product in China, Mayor Gonzales has ordered the popular new totalitarian version of the search engine’s “Great Firewall” software to be immediately installed on his City Hall net servers. All internet searches originating within the city will now be routed through this new google.com/rg network.

Might Lead to Pandemic of Political Recidivism

A recently released scathing report by San Jose State University found that many of the state’s mayors were not able to pass the California Mayoral Exit Exam now required in cities with a human population that is less than the number of its registered lobbyists.

Government Expected to Reduce City’s Dependence on Oxygen

Despite the surging population growth expected in San Jose with development of Coyote Valley—which estimates place at as many as 120 million people, or the equivalent of any 40 U.S. states combined—the city is expected to have a full supply of oxygen through early 2010.

Must Spend Weekend in Detention

During a charity fundraiser at Palo Alto High School on Saturday night, Supervisor Liz Kniss took to the dance floor with her husband and starting “freaking” to the horror of school officials and anyone within sight of the spectacle.

Proof of Nuclear Program Has City Imposing Sanctions

Immediately after city inspectors stumbled upon uranium enrichment equipment in an underground bunker at the county fairgrounds, the city accused county supervisors of trying to produce weapons of mass destruction, which they say would be used as a threat to influence future negotiations.

Gonzales Vows to Get Rid of Unnecessary Cops

After much criticism from the Mercury News over his unusual number and frequency of security detail for political and business trips, Mayor Gonzales has pledged to cut back on his taxpayer supported “posse” by hiring a single bodyguard—Kevin Costner.

“This guy is the King Kong of lobbyists,” says Jerry Strangis

After several months of negotiations, San Jose lobbyist Jerry Strangis of Strangis Properties has pledged his influence and power, as well as his access and client list, to recently convicted super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff in order to form San Jose’s first lobbying “superfirm.”

San Jose Positioning Itself For New Draft Pick

In an eerie coincidence with 49er quarterback Alex Smith, City Manager Del Borgsdorf has cited “small hands” as the reason for his resignation as the city’s top executive.

Last Minute Vote Saves Nativity Scene

Shortly after voting to censure the mayor, the city council was faced with another controversial vote in order to save the much-embattled Nativity scene at the city’s Christmas in the Park display.