Starbucks and Prolific Oven Fall to Labor Peace Agreements

On the heels of a vote that supported labor peace agreements over caffeine, the San Jose City Council made the controversial decision to allow themselves to be replaced by labor council bosses in all future votes pertaining to labor issues.

Promoters Hope Donkey Will Boost Attendance

In a bid to boost this year’s attendance at the San Jose Grand Prix, race organizers have added more pedestrian bridges, constructed a more competitive course, invited rock legend David Lee Roth and entered a wild North African ass to race side by side with the CHAMP cars.

Dando and Baron Dealt to New York Red Bull Soccer Team

In a series of lightening quick deals, disgraced soccer superstar Zinedine Zidane, just days after his contract with Spanish soccer power Real Madrid expired, was acquired by the New York Red Bull franchise of Major League Soccer and immediately traded to the San Jose Chamber of Commerce Political Action Committee.

Giant Pit Offers Rare Look Into Workings of Political Mind

Following closely on the plans to save the deep pit that allows the public rare glimpses into the bowels of the Hayward Fault in Fremont, several disparate groups in San Jose have come together and vowed to raise money to preserve the giant hole that has opened in Mayor Ron Gonzales’s head.

SUV Driven by Joe Guerra is Carrying Ron Gonzales

Several dozen CHP Officers have been involved in a low-speed car chase down Hwy 101 since early this morning, apparently trying to stop a city-issued, white Ford Bronco that is being driven by Joe Guerra and carrying Mayor Ron Gonzales.

Although I wrote two satirical pieces for publication today, one before the indictment that dealt with moonlighting, and one after, which dealt with the arrests, neither of them felt right, nor appropriate, on this sad but inevitable day for San Jose.  Therefore, we will continue with this open thread throughout today and the weekend.

New Flights Established After Defeat of Measure A

In hopes of increasing the number of passengers traveling by air, the newly-christened Mineta San Jose Inter-County Airport has added several routes to the most heavily commuted areas in the valley.

Smear Tactics Try to Brand the Decline-to-State as “Unfit to Serve as Mayor”

A last minute smear campaign by a group of adolescents calling themselves the Children’s Musical Theater Veterans for Truth, has proven to be the deciding factor in Michael Mulcahy’s failed bid to become Mayor of San Jose.

Says He Has Spunk AND Memorized Pandori’s Book

City Councilman and mayoral candidate David Cortese filed an official complaint with Mercury News Publisher George Riggs on Wednesday in an effort to force columnist Scott Herhold to print a retraction to his column supporting Michael Mulcahy for mayor.

“Superhero” Commercials Challenged

Just days after the Chavez for Mayor campaign released a commercial depicting their candidate leaping from a squad car into the melee of the downtown Mardi Gras to save lives, the San Jose Silicon Valley Chamber of Commerce, has asked that the last two commercials in the so-called “superhero” series be pulled.

“Tiegate” Case to be Heard in U.S. District Court

During a Thursday afternoon mayoral stump speech, current San Jose City Councilman and mayoral candidate Chuck Reed was picked up by federal marshals and detained for several hours after being charged with the desecration of the American flag.

Councilwomen Say Debate Performances Too Good

During a Wednesday press conference, San Jose City Council Members Nora Campos and Nancy Pyle once again grabbed headlines when they accused mayoral candidate David Pandori of engaging in the practice of blood doping before several debates in which his performances seemed “exceptional.”

Judy Chirco Next After Hearing Their Vociferous Cortese Outbursts

After several years of silence as elected officials, San Jose Council Members Nora Campos and Nancy Pyle underwent successful voice box transplants at Stanford University Hospital and, just hours later, were able to attend their first council meeting with the ability to verbalize their thoughts.

Document Proves Pair Justified Attacking Iraq Prior to Congressional Authority

New revelations in London’s Sunday Times seem to confirm a long held rumor that Mayor Ron Gonzales and Vice Mayor Cindy Chavez held secret meetings with President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair—long before Congressional approval of the war—in which they discussed ways to deliberately mislead the public by fabricating justifications for the invasion of Iraq.

Joins a Growing List of Retired Generals Urging the Defense Secretary to Give Up His Post

After a unanimous vote supporting his publicly funded election proposal, and perhaps feeling a confidence he hasn’t felt since his reelection, Mayor Ron Gonzales made a bold bid for the national spotlight Wednesday by joining with several retired generals in demanding the resignation of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

But Many Still Choose Oppressive Dictatorship Over County Government

Good news seems to beget good news.  Just days after a community poll showed that an overwhelming majority (51%) of people living in San Jose think that their city is a good place to live, another independent and unrelated survey shows that most people prefer San Jose’s amenities to those found in Iraq.