“If I Misappropriated Public Funds”—A Hypothetical Conspiracy Confession

The embattled former book publisher, Judith Regan, has been rehired by Harper Collins to publish outgoing mayor Ron Gonzales’s hypothetical conspiracy confession, “If I Misappropriated Public Funds.”

Pair File Lawsuit for Defamation of Character

Just one day after prominent lobbyists Tony Arreola and Sharanjit “Sean” Kali-Rai received word that they were the joint recipients of this year’s Papal Humanitarian of the Year Award, they filed a lawsuit against the Vatican claiming their reputations in the lobbyist community had been irreparably damaged.

Fire Stations, Jiffy Lubes to Become Drop Off Sites For Unwanted Shills

As a result of Chuck Reed’s overwhelming mandate in the mayoral election, and the uncertainty of how strict ethical rules will be enforced, several prominent, overpaid lobbyists have been turning up abandoned in various dumpsters, back alleys and gated country clubs in the valley.

Members Pair Up To Tackle Ambitious Timeline

Immediately after putting his mayoral transition team together, Mayor-elect Chuck Reed paired up the 67 participants into two-member teams on Thursday night, with the express understanding that they would each accomplish one Reed Reform before the end of January.

“This was genius, one of the reasons the voters chose to put Mr. Reed in office,” said Reed Chief of Staff Pete Furman.  “There are 34 of these damn things and we can use the help.”

Say They Won’t Accept Jim Beall as Family

Several direct Neanderthal descendants have filed suit against a group of scientists that claim they have found DNA that proves there is a link between the extinct cavemen and Homo sapiens.

But Poignant Personal Letter Gives Sage Advice

After a landslide victory by the Reed reformist movement over the incumbent machine of Chavez, Gonzales, Labor, the Democratic Party, lobbyists, Coyote Valley land developers, the city council, county supervisors, former mayors Hammer, Mineta, Hayes, former president Clinton, and just about everyone else except for the voters, outgoing mayor Ron Gonzales rose above bitterness, the referendum on his administration, and depositions to write a personal and heartfelt letter to his successor.  It is full of advice and exposes a human side of the Mayor that was seldom seen.

New Laborcratic Entity Delivers Fatwa: Buy All Elections

After raising several million dollars to cover independent expenditures for the Chavez for Mayor campaign, the Santa Clara County Democratic Party and the South Bay Labor Council have decided to unite, forming a venture capital leviathan known as the Laborcratic Superfund.

Both Candidates Deny Using the Energy Drink

As the race for mayor begins its predictable slide into negative campaigning with Election Day drawing near, the proverbial gloves have been aggressively and unceremoniously hurled aside as bitter accusations of Cocaine use have bloodied and maimed the candidates.

Football Fans Impressed With President’s Resolve

The weary and battered citizens of Raider Nation received their first hopeful news of the season earlier in the week when they learned President George W. Bush was sending in the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to Oakland to rescue the ailing Raiders football team.

Gangs Sent to New York to “Solve” Problem

The San Jose City Council has decided to rededicate itself to bringing home the title of “Safest Big City in America” by allocating several million dollars to send dozens of convicted gang members to New York City by bus to commit crimes.

Squirrels to be Used in War on Terror

Mountain View hit the national news early this week when the Bush administration tapped the small hamlet in the South Bay for their rabid rodent population in order to help fight the war on terror.

The Commander-in-Chief decided to recruit the small furry animals after growing pressure to end the war from the Democratic Party, the American public and Sean Penn hit a crescendo.

Compliance with Strict Greenhouse Emissions Law Cited

California moved to the front of local government efforts to fight global warming Wednesday when Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed legislation calling for a radical reduction of greenhouse gasses by dissolving the Santa Clara County government.

Citing numerous studies that show “unusually high” levels of carbon dioxide emission emanating from the county supervisors’ chambers, the state has ordered a temporary closure pending a comprehensive study and plan.

Supervisors Welcome the Challenge to Revitalize the Theater

In an attempt to put a positive spin on the County’s defeated music hall proposal, the supervisors lauded the city after a unanimous council vote effectively turned the management of the beleaguered San Jose Repertory Theater over to the county.

Wants to Focus on Current Political Election

Council 3 Candidate and Human Being, Manny Diaz, has decided to quit his job with NASA Ames Research in order to concentrate on his council race against opponent Sam Liccardo.

Ballots for the November runoff election will likely have to be reprinted to include the word “former” in front of his career description of “rocket scientist.”

SanJoseInside.com has acquired a previously sealed mayoral grand jury testimony and posted a partial transcript below.

The testimony begins with Deputy District Attorney Julius Finkelstein questioning Mayor Ron Gonzales about his role in the Norcal deal.  WARNING: it is shocking, sometimes offensive but mostly sounds like Aaron Sorkin’s movie A Few Good Men.

Launches Verbal Tirade at City Staff

During a quick trip to San Jose to promote his next movie “The Passion of the Buzz,” actor Mel Gibson stopped off at City Hall to make his feelings known about what he called a “bogus” San Jose city staff recommendation to renew the Norcal contract.