“Schmoozer of the Year” Stone Thrives Again

According to research by Joint Venture Silicon Valley Group, the demise of society and the human race could be linked to Blackberry usage. Wednesday’s mobile device outage, although infuriating to many addicts, was hailed as a watershed event that researchers say the valley needed in order to “reconnect with others and thrive into the future.”

Recently Canned Shock-Jock to Take Over as Department Spokesman

In response to recent allegations that San Jose police officers use excessive force in a disproportionate amount against Latinos and African-Americans, San Jose Police Chief Rob Davis announced late Thursday, in a hastily thrown together news conference, that the department had hired shock-jock Don Imus as its new spokesman and public relations liaison to smooth things over.

Partnership Could Give Legal Status to Thousands of Mustelids

In an unlikely partnership that has Ferrets Anonymous members grasping victory from the jaws of defeat, the South Bay Labor Council and the illegal ferret group have joined forces, setting a precedent that has other lobbying organizations redefining what it means to recruit.

A’s Owner Given Mitchell Block, Iraq, and Rights to Develop Synthetic Life Forms in Exchange

In a brilliant move that will get Supervisor Blanca Alvarado’s long-stalled and litigious legacy project at the county fairgrounds back on track, A’s owner and real estate magnate Lew Wolff has agreed to tackle the deteriorating morass in exchange for a vacant block of downtown property, a war-ravaged country and the potential to own a new species.

Loss Directly Attributable to Lack of Play Book

Larry Emilio Maschino has struck again.  The mysterious man who posed as a rich, generous patron of the arts promising to lavish the community with millions in donations, ended up on the bench of the Southern Illinois Saluki basketball team posing as their head coach in a close loss to the Kansas Jayhawks.

“Independent” Needed For Review of Beltway Madam’s Records

In an unprecedented show of bipartisanship, a large group of powerful politicians from both sides of the aisle have retained the services of Stanford swim coach Skip Kenney in an effort to combat the recent “diversion” that has engulfed Washington D.C. and titillated a nation.

Hans Blix Continues Frantic Search For WSBs

In his first State of the City speech, Mayor Chuck Reed invoked City Council Resolution 678 that authorizes force against cost overruns. He vowed to “hunt down those responsible for the cowardly expenses,” and declared war on the budget gap by raising a citizen militia made up of several municipal groups trained in the art of expense reports.

Rebound Predicted With Opening of City Pools

A plunge in stock markets worldwide Tuesday, including the biggest drop in the Dow Jones industrial average in nearly four years, served up a sober reminder for city officials who thought that the subsidized purchase of the Sobrato Tower by BEA would go unnoticed.

Hopefuls Try to Distinguish Themselves in Race to Succeed Chuck Reed

In the race to succeed Mayor Chuck Reed in his former council district, several dozen candidates are trying to distinguish themselves by establishing credibility before the March 6 special election.

SF Mayor Admits To Wearing Diapers During Staff Meetings

After several embarrassing revelations this week, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom saved the best for last with an admission that he wears diapers during long staff meetings and “some cross country air travel.”

Vacant High-Rise Proves Perfect Bearing for Emergency Routes

An agreement was reached early Thursday morning when airport officials met with several downtown representatives to hammer out a deal to protect building heights while allowing for the safest emergency route over the city’s center; their solution: aim at the Sobrato building.

Claim Lieber’s “Thinly-Veiled” Legislation Targets Recreational Flogging

Just hours after Assembly Member Sally Lieber went public with her no-spanking legislation, the pornography industry responded in kind with their anti-no-spanking campaign to try and defeat a law that they claim will eventually lead to a total ban of all kinds of flogging.

University to Move to Houston to Be Closer to Dynamo

In yet another blow to San Jose’s fragile psyche, plans by developer Lew Wolff to return professional soccer to San Jose by building a new $80 million stadium on the campus of San Jose State University were dealt a blow yesterday as SJSU President Don Kassing announced that the university would be relocating to Houston.

Shoppers Skeptical as Several Cannibals Found Eating Outside Tommy Bahama’s

Upscale shopping center Santana Row—70 shops, 20 restaurants, 5 spas, 1 hotel, 24 hours—has now added, “10 security check points” to its slogan in a bold, and some say overreaching, plan to rid the mall of violence.

Millions Flock to “Charlotte’s Web” to See Supernatural Occurrence

San Jose was hit with a much-needed Christmas miracle this season that has sent millions of visitors, tourists, and skeptical gawkers into downtown with their spin-off dollars landing in happy restaurants and welcoming hotels.