49ers to Santa Clara, A’s to Fremont, Warriors to Mexican Heritage Plaza

In a very complicated deal consummated late Thursday night, the San Jose City Council has decided that the best use for the beleaguered Mexican Heritage Plaza is to turn it into a sporting facility designed and equipped to house last year’s NBA Cinderella team, the Golden State Warriors.

Council Decides Against “Probably Won’t Have Violence Perpetrated Against You” Big City

The San Jose City Council has decided to get proactive over the city’s probable loss of its coveted “Safest Big City” title by choosing the most marketable name left in the field of monikers: “Relatively Safe Big City in America.”

Feared to Be in the Hands of Gadflies and Former Politicians and in Denny’s Chili

According to a scathing report from San Jose’s Government Accountability Office (GAO), the city has lost track of approximately 190,000 Keys to the City.

The Key to the City is an award used by municipalities in which an ornamental key is given to honor esteemed visitors, local residents, or organizations of note in a ceremonial presentation. The award carries no formal privileges or distinctions but symbolizes honor, power and the ability to break certain rules without fear of humiliation or prosecution. Former Mayor Gonzales is rumored to have hundreds of them.

AARP Outraged Over Plans for Hunting Club

Just days after angry protests stopped a controversial plan to hire archers to kill a growing and bothersome deer population at The Villages adult community, the California Department of Fish and Game (CDFG) fought back by announcing plans to “thin” the elderly residents of the popular upscale retirement enclave.

Complaints of Monopoly Flood in After Latest City Hall Retail Debacle

The U.S. Justice Department is looking into practices by the South Bay Labor Council to determine whether their control of San Jose has violated any antitrust laws in the wake of a failed City Hall retail leasing effort.

Advance Copy of Series Finale Critical For Competitiveness

When Dan Fenton took his job as CEO of Team San Jose, the prospect of running another organization along with his current duties as leader of the Convention and Visitors Bureau seemed a daunting and overwhelming task until the city made him an offer he couldn’t refuse: an advanced copy of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.”

First Step in Saint-Making Process Appropriate Says Benedict

Just hours after all criminal charges were dropped against lobbyist duo Tony Arreola and Sean Kali-Rai for bribery, conspiracy, perjury, grand theft, fraud, tax evasion, kickbacks and shoplifting, the two were seen boarding a Papal Air 777 for a quick flight to the Vatican after a surprise invitation from Pope Benedict XVI.

Wall of Taco Trucks to Keep Aggressive Builders From Skirting Triggers

The City’s confidence in protecting Coyote Valley from evil housing developers has desperately degenerated to a point where Team San Jose has been hired to design and manage a protective barrier around the perimeter of the undeveloped Mecca of Santa Clara Valley.

Bay Bridge, Hwy. 101, Leaves of Absence Keep Tiny Office Out of Top Ten

Employees of the tiny San Jose City Auditor’s office were told on Tuesday by the Metropolitan Transportation Commission (MTC) that their daily trip to the sexually-charged workplace known as the “Auditor’s Den” was not among the top ten dreaded commutes.

Furious Over Stunt To Steal Daughter’s Headlines

The Hilton family has filed a lawsuit with the Santa Clara County Superior Court alleging that ex-Mayor Gonzales and former aide Joe Guerra have used unfair tactics in order to wrest headlines away from their daughter, infamous socialite Paris Hilton.

Chronic Concerns of Housing Costs, Traffic and Worker Visas Disappear

The Silicon Valley Leadership Group’s annual Business Climate Survey was released yesterday with scandals surprisingly topping the list of valley CEO’s greatest worries.

In what some in the media have termed “The Year of the Philistine,” several chronic concerns such as housing costs, traffic congestion, worker visas and healthcare coverage have been replaced with anxiety over the safety of their daughters attending parties at local community colleges and the fear of getting ensnarled in a stock backdating scandal.

Eye-Hand Coordination Screening Rejected

In a test case that has the eyes of the nation focused on California, a newly formed state oversight committee has mandated that all elected officials undergo neurological testing as a result of the ping-pong match State Senator Carole Migden was having with her car, the Highway 12 guardrail and other vehicles for no apparent reason.

Budget Cuts to Mental Health Services in Question

Varmints are in the news again this week as renegade squirrels descended on a sleepy South San Jose school on Wednesday and attacked several students and a room mom during snack time.

Research Agency Says Medical Waste Valuable

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) recently announced its plans to build a $1 billion state-of-the-art research facility in San Jose after the city’s Guadalupe landfill was identified as the nation’s tenth largest repository for untreated medical waste.

Most Agree Scandal-less City is “Boring”

In a recent poll commissioned by the Mercury News after a dramatic drop in subscription renewals several months ago, 79 percent of those surveyed say that without the sensational news of the scandalous Gonzales administration, there is no reason to read the paper anymore.