Councilman Williams Vows To “Git ’r Done”

Following through on his promise to save a costly police substation pledged to his district, Councilman Forrest Williams offered a compromise to the council that kept the project within budget by eliminating the public art element, ammunition and squad cars.

“I said I would find a way to ‘git ‘r done,’” said Mr. Williams. “And if these cops can go without bullets and cars for awhile, they can certainly do without the foo-foo, artsy-smartsy crap.”

County Assessor May Be Stripped of 2004 Royal Schmoozer Title

If baseball received another black eye on Thursday with the publication of Senator Mitchell’s report detailing rampant abuse of steroids amongst its players, than County Assessor Larry Stone was dipped into an industrial-sized vat of scalding hot nacho-cheese when his name inexplicably turned up on the list.

Budget Cuts Force Donkey Patrol in Downtown

Faced with the grim task of choosing between fiscal responsibility and horses, the San Jose City Council, rather than suspend the police department’s popular horse-mounted unit, made the tough decision to retire the horses and substitute them with more financially efficient donkeys.

Harmony in the South Bay Priority For Bush Administration

The United States and Russia have been working quietly on scheduling a follow-up to the Annapolis Middle East Peace Conference that ended Tuesday which is rumored to include talks on a very complex and vexing problem to the world: Coyote Valley.

Deportation Promised If Cooperation Not Achieved

A group of nearly 27 American expatriates from San Jose stormed the offices of the People’s Committee Chairman in Ho Chi Minh City on Tuesday and demanded a renaming of a concentrated strip of American businesses that has become known as “Little San Jose.”

Reverend Sharpton Lends Support to Bay Area Chapter of Diminutive Hunter-Gatherers

Unafraid of Congressman Lantos’s verbal haranguing of web behemoth Yahoo during a congressional hearing into possible human liberties violations by the web browser, the Bay Area Pygmy Coalition has garnered national support in their call for the Democratic representative’s resignation.

Al Gore Will Team With Paramount Classics to Distribute Movie

Just minutes after the city council approved Mayor Reed’s “green vision” for San Jose, which sets ambitious goals for the city to reduce energy and support clean technology, he made the surprise announcement that he would take a short leave of absence from the city’s top job to film his version of “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Al Gore Praises the City for Cutting Greenhouse Emissions

In what critics called their biggest fear, the recent vote to ban smoking in public parks has become the “gateway” banishment that has led the city down the dark and addictive road of harsher rules and stiffer regulations culminating in yesterday’s announcement that as of November 1st, breathing will also be forbidden in public.

Will Manage Child Labor Production

A notorious rebel group controlling several diamond mines in the gem-rich region of Sierra Leone has made a unique decision to hire former Santa Clara County school chief Colleen Wilcox to run the adolescent stone production unit of the diamond mines.

Politicians Will Take the Place of Mentally Ill

Just hours after the student body of Westmont High School announced that the theme of their annual Halloween haunted house would be the mentally ill, the National Alliance of Mental Health Professionals condemned the attraction as “insensitive” and put enough pressure on the school’s administration to force them to change it.

San Jose Officials Livid: We Stole It Fair and Square

With the coming out party for new UCSC Chancellor George Blumenthal at the San Jose Museum of Art last week came the disturbing announcement that he was claiming the title “Capital of Silicon Valley” for his granola-munching campus by the coast.

Incumbent Pyle Confident She Can Beat the Biostatic Noggin

With just nine months until primary elections in San Jose, speculation in south San Jose’s council race has already turned wacky. Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ted Williams’s son says that his dad’s severed and cryogenically frozen head will be running against Nancy Pyle as a registered Separatist in District 10 in the June primary.

Will Rebuild by Raising Funds for Arts Groups and Politicians Locally

An incarcerated flimflam man and an indicted political fundraiser have filed papers with the Secretary of State in order to form a nonprofit corporation which has effectively put the pair in business in California where they will dole out money for a living.

Cite Dignity, Embarrassment, Shame and Stupidity

In a move without precedent in the city’s history, San Jose City Council Members Pyle, Campos, Williams and Chirco, have decided to relinquish their posts rather than suffer the humiliation of professional ridicule, personal disparagement and possible public stoning.

Lead Poisoning Caused Temporary Spinelessitis

Just days after Supervisor Don Gage vowed to shut down the county fair if it didn’t turn a profit, he was singing its praises after it lost $416,000, the most since 1998. A few hours later, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where he was diagnosed with a rare form of spinelessitis caused by lead poisoning he suffered from the made-in-China, Mattel Big Big World 6-in-1 Bongo Band toy that he keeps on his desk.

Experience and Change of Plea Deciding Factors

Disgraced Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has decided to resign his post in the U.S. Senate—after increasingly vociferous calls for his removal—in exchange for relocating to San Jose to take over the vacant city auditor post.