Marking Will Raise Awareness and Legitimize Worldwide Concern

Following the dubious and controversial path set by fashion designer Mark Ecko when he purchased Barry Bonds’s home run baseball, conducted an online public poll, and ultimately branded the Cooperstown-bound ball with an asterisk, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has bowed to public pressure and decided to place an asterisk on the Olympic torch.

Size of Council Doesn’t Matter

A new study conducted by the League of California Cities (LoCC) put to bed the myth that citizens were only satisfied by the length of council meetings and not by the quality. They recommended an optimal session should last just three to thirteen minutes tops.

Illegally Taught Children Served Up As Beef Substitute

As the U.S. Department of Agriculture was busy trying to replace 143 million pounds of tainted meat reserved for Northern California school districts, the State Legislature was busy trying to figure out what to do with millions of idle California homeschooled children.

Bernanke says $2 billion not a “bailout”

Hoping to avoid a systematic meltdown in cultural institutions in San Jose, the Federal Reserve on Sunday approved a $2 billion credit line for the beleaguered Mexican Heritage Plaza in East San Jose. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke vowed that the money was not a bailout but a “friendly loan” that he fully expects the cultural institution to pay back once the venue is running in the black.

Spitzer’s Significant Contribution to Whoring Recognized

Just one day after his resignation, the United Pimp Union has told all of its members all across the United States and certain areas of Canada to honor soon-to-be-former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer by retiring the number 9, thereby bestowing on him the designation as the first John in world history to have his client number retired.

Untapped Pool of Buyers-Using-Offensive-Language Targeted

The San Jose Convention and Visitors Bureau, under the direction of city officials, has launched an awareness campaign in expectation of a whole new wave of cussers flooding the downtown housing market in search of a more tolerant and obscenity-laced community.

Controversial Land to Become Terrorist Training Camps

Continuing their fire sale of San Jose properties, Divco West, the real estate investment and asset management company that made millions in San Jose on a scorched earth and people policy, sold their large and controversial land holdings in Coyote Valley to a branch of the Islamic Liberation Front (ILF) for an undisclosed sum.

Presumptive Favorite Claims Relationship Not Romantic

A bombshell story yesterday coming out of La Oferta, San Jose’s Hispanic newspaper, linked county supervisor hopeful George Shirakawa, Jr. with former McCain lover/lobbyist Vicki Iseman, in what might be the only thing stopping a Shirakawa coronation in his race to succeed Blanca Alvarado in District 2.

First Step in Becoming Autonomous City

Federal Realty Investment Trust continues to add to its tremendously successful Santana Row and bolster is byline, “700 shops, 200 restaurants, 19 spas, 10 hotels, 1 Little Saigon,” by focusing on ethnic consumers after deciding to incorporate a Vietnamese business district to its mix of uses.

After Reviewing the Embarrassing to the Boring, Meetings to be Sheltered from Public View

Just a day after San Jose officials demanded the posting of council members’ calendars online, the vacuous and inane entries dictated that they relent and allow them to be kept private.

“After reviewing the meetings these public officials are taking,” said city attorney Rick Doyle, “we have decided it reflects badly on our city’s image. We will therefore quarantine them until further notice, even if that means losing track of Gallo and Strangis.”

Expiring on Weekdays Will Cost You

As if dying is not bad enough, in the small print of a county plan that assesses a phone fee to cover 911 emergency response services, the supervisors have included a provision that places a tax on people who have the audacity to die on weekdays.

Skin-ectomy Cancelled After Pulses Found

A tragedy was averted early Friday morning when an alert night watchman, guarding the Body Worlds exhibit at the Tech Museum of Innovation, recognized several Santa Clara County supervisors in a corner of the basement laboratory who were tagged for the initiation process of de-skinning in order to be prepped for display in the anatomical exhibit.

Team Wants to Forfeit Any Rights to Home Games

Hockey in San Jose may become a thing of the past next year if the San Jose Sharks get their way after submitting a unique request to the National Hockey League for an unprecedented season consisting entirely of an away schedule.

Mayor Reed’s State of the City Speech Only Gig Going

Thousands of starving Hollywood writers have arrived in San Jose looking for work on one of the last gigs going: Mayor Reed’s annual State of the City speech at the 2008 San Jose Community Breakfast.

Thousands Flee San Jose in Panic as Forecasters Predict Winds and Rain

As weather conditions deteriorated late Thursday with hundreds of tiny raindrops and breezy winds, an otherwise calm and subdued holiday season turned into panic and mayhem as thousands frantically took to the roads, trying to get out of the city in search of dry land.

Confusing Rules to be Sorted by Retailer’s Scanning Technology

Despite a high, six-figure settlement relating to allegations that its cash register scanning technology was overcharging customers, the San Jose City Council has decided to move forward with a multi-year contract for the Walgreens drugstore chain to manage its new downtown parking fee structure.