Without Any Accomplishments, The Supes Are Left With No Choice In Effort To Win Back Interest

In what is being regarded as an unprecedented marketing move, the County Supervisors have voted with their pom-poms and decided to “put the romance back into county politics” by announcing several unique giveaways, gimmicks and special events in a desperate attempt to interest anyone in what they are doing.

Roving Band of Conquistadors Celebrate Early Victory In Naming Rights Battle

On the heels of the NCAA’s ruling that bans the use of American Indian mascots by college sports teams, a tiny band of Spanish Conquistadors has filed an injunction in County Superior Court to keep San Jose from using the title “Capital of Silicon Valley.” 

Mosquitoes Face Total Annihilation Against “Smart” Swatters

After a 69% vote that overwhelmingly approved an increase in fees to fund the fight against mosquitoes that carry and spread the West Nile disease, Santa Clara County Vector Control launched its War on Itching by vowing to eradicate mosquitoes “cell by cell.”

Mayor’s Aide Says NASA Is To Blame

In another startling revelation, Mayor Gonzales’s policy director, Joe Guerra, admitted that sometime during one of the mayor’s early crises, high level staffers in the administration reached out to NASA for help.

City Officials Incensed Over “Attention Grabbing Scheme”

San Jose is again knee-deep in controversy, this time not because of a lapse of judgment at the highest levels of municipal government, but because of city officials, who made the bold accusation that San Diego is trying to grab headlines from San Jose by “perpetrating ethics violations that look a lot like ours.”

Bones Found Under Ice Thought To Be Quetzalcoatl’s

Just as the NHL and hockey fans celebrated the end of the labor dispute, committed and passionate Shark fans received a blow as severe as a Scott Parker left cross to the chin; the Sharks would not skate in 2006.  HP Pavilion workers immediately stopped work on the ice after making a curious discovery - bones frozen under Nabakov’s crease.

The Capital of Silicon Valley.  The Heart of Silicon Valley.  Silicon Valley South.  A lot of names have been used, a lot of places have claimed adoption of it, but we still have the problem of what and where is Silicon Valley.  Do we have that same problem with our city?  People definitely know the way here now, but do they know when they have arrived?  More importantly do they have a memorable feeling of “place” that will lead to a return trip?

Urge Richest Nations to Reject Debt Forgiveness Policy

After a successful pitch to Major League Baseball at Spring Training in Arizona three months ago, Mayor Ron Gonzales and County Assessor Larry Stone have traveled to Scotland in order to bring their unpopular message of “keeping debt in place to pay for a BART extension” to the leaders of the world’s richest nations.

Motor City Mayor Immediately Cries Foul

As San Jose celebrated its leap onto the “Top Ten Largest Cities in America” list, Detroit decried the latest ranking and immediately cried foul.  During a noon press conference, Detroit Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick immediately discounted the results because of “miscounts and imperfect information gathering processes.”

No One Wants to Serve During “Reign of Ethical Lapses”

Both of the finalists in the District 7 general election to replace disgraced former-councilman Terry Gregory have decided to drop out of the race for fear of losing their ethical compasses.

Previous Forecast of Tropical Storm Wrecked by Grand Jury Report

The National Weather Service, which has been closely tracking the violations of good and decent government by the Gonzales administration, has finally been forced to upgrade their forecasts from tropical storm to hurricane.  The change over the previous status was caused by “exponentially intensified pressure” by the latest grand jury allegations.

Business Leader’s Job Move Called Bold, Surprising by Al-Jazeera

In what is being called a first in the lingering war in Iraq, aggressive insurgents temporarily laid down their guns and rocks, and vowed to stop all torture and executions in observation of the departure of San Jose Silicon Valley Chamber of Commerce chief Jim Cunneen.

Effort Aimed at Staying Competitive

In a unique effort to market the downtown against all foes foreign, domestic, or Santana Row-like, the Convention and Visitors Bureau has kicked off it’s Clean Up and Smell Well campaign that is centered around making the downtown smell like a new car.

Vows To Kill Pestilent Mosquitoes Himself

In a rare, selfless act by an elected official not involved in a political race, County Supervisor Jim Beall has vowed to single-handily stop the spread of the West Nile virus by killing the pestilent mosquitoes, “one by one, house by house, block by block.”  This would put to rest the controversy surrounding the County’s Vector Control direct-mail voting campaign to increase assessments in order to fund future efforts to search for and destroy the disease spreading insects.

Unsubstantiated Claim Includes Flushing General Plan Down Toilet

A shocking story in this week’s Metro Newspaper reported that an unnamed source witnessed Mayor Ron Gonzales in a Koran-copycat-type desecration of San Jose’s most hallowed planning document – the General Plan.  This has left neighborhood groups incensed, calling for the swiftest of inquiries and the stiffest of punishments.

11th Largest City Loses To 227th Largest City

In the wake of EBay’s sneaky abandonment of San Jose as its party headquarters, Mayor Ron Gonzales has admitted that maybe the erecting of tents as a convention center to lure San Jose’s high-tech darling was not such a good idea.