For inspiration today, let’s turn to our valley’s best cartoonist http://www.community-newspapers.com/archives/wgresident/20051214/wg-op-decinzo.shtml.  With DeCinzo oiling the creative machinery within, here is a chance to be whimsical and exercise your imagination by adding your quotes, slogans, mottos or jingles describing the current crises in San Jose government…

With the mayor fighting for his political life, three candidates separating themselves over what the next steps should be for the City, and the Mercury News releasing a poll that shows 85% of the participants favor the mayor stepping down, we thought we would take our own, primitive poll…

Says Mercury News Editorial Board Next

Mayor Gonzales took time out of his busy schedule in Charlotte, North Carolina this week, where he delivered the keynote address on “good government” at the annual National League of Cities (NLC) conference, to respond to the latest round of Scud missiles launched at him with intent to inflict bodily harm.

Council Unable to Question City Manager in Annual Review

Predicting a haranguing about his role in the Norcal garbage scandal, City Manager Del Borgsdorf was able to fend off any direct questions by filibustering anxious council members during a rare eight-hour, closed-door, annual performance review on Tuesday.

Repeal of Ban on Alcohol Sales Could Give Rise to Gasclubs

Shortly after a unanimous vote by the San Jose City Council on an urgency ordinance that gives the police chief more discretion in shutting down problem nightclubs in downtown, a committee of nightclub owners met and decided to take their business elsewhere—to the neighborhood gas stations.

Chuck and Cami Want “Authentic Experience” in Silicon Valley

After a successful few days in San Francisco trumpeting organic farming and environmental stewardship, Prince Charles and Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cornwall and future HRH The Princess Consort, expressed the need to “let down our hair and slum a bit.”

Constant Disagreement Attracts Attention of TV Therapist

Just several hours after a decision by the Valley Transportation Authority (VTA) to cancel a scheduled meeting on long-range spending plans for the oft-threatened BART extension to Silicon Valley, VTA General Manager Michael Burns received a call from Dr Phil McGraw, inviting the entire VTA Board to a session on the therapist’s hit show.

Limited Time Offer Comes with Two Hours Free Parking

With cruising at an all time high downtown, Conditional Use Permits handed out like penicillin in a whorehouse, and gun battles taking place in front of nightclubs, the downtown business community has responded by implementing an aggressive program that will distribute free Taser stun guns for the defense and safety of those visiting downtown.

Outsourcing to India Will Privatize and Streamline Process

In a surprise email that arrived two days late because of a website blackout during the City Hall grand opening, department heads were informed that the issuing of all city building permits was to be outsourced and moved overseas to India.

Art, Antiques, and Yu-Gi-Oh Cards Found in Break Room

Just days after councilwoman Nora Campos’ chief of staff turned herself in to authorities in connection with the disappearance of a briefcase, FBI agents made a routine inspection of all city hall offices and found several million dollars worth of stolen booty.

Move Seen as First Step in Winning Back City Hall

Following the successful city council vote in Oakland limiting the amount of dogs allowed in a household, the San Jose City Council sent a strong signal on Tuesday night when they voted unanimously to limit the number of elected officials that individual lobbyists could own.

Move Necessary to Offset Spike in Gas Prices Decimating City Budget

One of the lesser casualties of hurricanes Katrina and Rita has been the spike in fuel prices that have decimated municipal budgets due to city supplied cars and gas allowances, prompting the federal government to move in and implement President Bush’s plan for oil exploration in the Alviso Slough.

Councilman Wanders Aimlessly Around City Hall Plaza Encouraging Visitors to Kick His Ass

In a rare show of solidarity, and just moments after a heated debate over the mayor’s official grand jury response regarding Garbagegate, the council voted overwhelmingly to place a “Kick Me” sign on Councilman Forrest Williams for his refusal to abandon the Titanic of local government that is Mayor Gonzales’ administration.

Residents Immediately Lose Driving Privileges

During his visit to San Jose on Wednesday, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, in his speech to the Commonwealth Club, dropped a bomb on the residents of San Jose by not only telling them they would never get their own baseball team, but that they were also living illegally in San Jose.

Breadth of Experience Tips Scales to Despot

Immediately following the controversial appointment of City Manager Del Borgsdorf as Chairman of the Board of United Way Silicon Valley, the Board made what headhunters are calling a “coup” by hiring former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, as president.

“Holdouts and Scoundrels” Delaying Complete Pullout

As the city of San Jose celebrates a smooth withdrawal of her bureaucratic settlements from the old First Street homeland, certain officials were warning of the potential for a violent finale with holdouts made up of zealous civil servants encamped in makeshift cubicles.