Accepts Job at New York Times

Just minutes after Columbia University awarded its 93rd Annual Pulitzer Prize in Journalism for Investigative Blogging to SanJoseInside’s own John McEnery IV, the prominent blog site’s featured and most decorated writer accepted a new post as editorial director of the New York Times, effective immediately.

Wayward Sea-Terrorists Strand Speed Boats in Shallow Waters

Several Somali speedboats were grounded at the confluence of the Guadalupe and Los Gatos rivers on Thursday as dozens of Coast Guardsmen quickly arrived on the scene to impound the boats, seize the cargo of weapons and arrest their crews of armed pirates.

During an impromptu press conference in front of HP Pavilion, with the Somalis propped up and chained to the merry-go-round animals as a backdrop, a Coast Guard spokesman explained the advanced methods that lead to the swift and stunning capture.

Victory For Mall Rats and Buffalo Wing Lovers

With the likely defeat of Measure B, the head of the Valley Transportation Authority wants to implement a new plan, calling for a shorter, independent BART line, smaller cars and practically no maintenance.

“We just felt we had the momentum to move this project forward autonomously,” explained VTA General Manager Michael Burns. “The people almost approved it, which means they really want us to do it, and with the opening of Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits in downtown, we obviously have the critical mass.”

Hologramervisors Will Have Authority to Cast Votes

Immediately following the CNN presidential broadcast in which the 24-hour news station showed off its new technology by beaming a hologram of Will.I.Am. into their New York studios to conduct an interview with Anderson Cooper, the County purchased the holography machine in order to beam their supervisors to the dais during weekly board meetings.

“This is going to be great,” said Supervisor Kniss. “I won’t have to commute down to San Jose anymore.”

Nerds Claim Their Conditions Worse Than Slaughterhouses

Thousands of high tech cubicle dwellers have taken to the streets in protest over Proposition 2 and what they feel is an unfair bias towards the welfare of barnyard animals and a societal insouciance towards the conditions they are being asked to endure.

“My house was foreclosed on, my car was repo’d and I lost my Starbuck’s card,” said one disgruntled cubey. “And we are going to spend millions of dollars giving futons to cattle?”

Claim City’s Intoxication Title is Not Accurate

Claiming that San Jose is trying to subvert their hard-earned title, a group of drunken sailors from San Francisco have filed a cease-and-desist order against San Jose, hoping to quash the city’s latest efforts to brand itself with another title.

“Capital of Silicon Valley, Safest Big City, Valley of the Heart’s Delight…these are all nice titles,” said Commodore Brad McGuinness. “Do they really need Capital of Drunks also? Shameful.”

Proposition 444 Would Make Albino Enclave Independent Nation

Deep in the heart of Alum Rock Park, a small enclave of un-dead albinos numbering somewhere in the hundreds have been working quietly and diligently, in between the sacrificing of small domestic animals, to gather enough signatures to place a proposition on the ballet that would dramatically change their standard of living by declaring them an “independent political community” preceding pigmented colonization.

350,000 Kids March on Washington

In response to the news that Mother’s Cookies filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday, several hundred thousand kids organized a march on Washington in order to demand a bailout of the company that has graced children’s bag lunches with their product for nearly 100 years.

“If we can give $750 billion to fat-cat CEO’s and Wall Street pimps that got us into this mess,” said an attorney hired to represent the children, “then we can certainly see to it that this iconic cookie company stays in business.”

Al Davis, Gov. Schwarzenegger Top Offenders

Citing the need for more oversight in California, the state Legislature is tackling the issue of more vigorous and stringent rules that would govern the state’s Safe Haven laws making it a crime to surrender adults.

San Jose moves past New York as most dangerous big city for pedestrians.

It’s as though Death Race is being filmed in San Jose. The city’s streets are no longer safe for septuagenarians, as the death toll of elder pedestrians has skyrocketed in the past year.

But as San Jose mourns the recent loss of its title “Safest Big City” to New York, it can find some consolation, and perhaps redemption, in the fact that it has topped the “Most Dangerous Big City for Pedestrians” list for the first time in a devastating counterpunch to the Big Apple.

Kids First Priority in Removal From Roadways

In a bid to clean up California’s dirtiest freeways, the US government agreed Wednesday to: “provide an $85 billion emergency loan to rescue Santa Clara County roads from litter, debris and children.”

Based on several studies, the state would have to supply billions of dollars a year to keep approximately 250 miles of freeways in a “really dirty, but not visible” state. This means that at a minimum, abandoned cars, mattresses and small children would be removed from the shoulders and medians.

Approximately 1.25 Will Be Terminated

In a radical and controversial move, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for 25-percent across-the-board reductions in General Fund programming and county supervisor representation in Santa Clara County.

Operable Pissing Windows Fitted on Raider Route

Are you ready for some Football?! At the dawn of the start of another NFL season, with the prospect of Raider Nation flocking to and from McAfee Stadium, BART sure is.

Some Discovered in Mexico

In an interview with SanJoseInside.com late last night, Governor Schwarzenegger reiterated his frustration with Republican legislators by announcing that he had hunted down, captured and dragged several GOP members back to the Capitol to face the $15.2 billion budget shortfall.

Council Decides To Ban Kids Instead

In an unintended consequence of Councilwoman Nora Campos’s proposal to ban new fast-food restaurants in San Jose, the council has decided to allow fast food growth, but also try to protect kids from childhood obesity by banning them from the city.

Thousands of Milpitans Flee to Alviso

The Milpitas Post reported late Thursday that San Jose’s Honor Guard, backed by thousands of City Team peacekeepers and a bevy of Taiko drummers, invaded the small hamlet of Milpitas, resulting in several dangerous clashes with their loyal and brutal band of Minutemen left over from the city’s War of Independence in 1954.