“Schmoozer of the Year” Stone Thrives Again
According to research by Joint Venture Silicon Valley Group, the demise of society and the human race could be linked to Blackberry usage. Wednesday’s mobile device outage, although infuriating to many addicts, was hailed as a watershed event that researchers say the valley needed in order to “reconnect with others and thrive into the future.”
“People rediscovered each other,” said Dave Lebaron a senior researcher. “I realized that I hadn’t spoken in nearly two weeks and I found out my daughter got braces last Friday.”
However, many devout followers think that in some cases, less talk is better and more efficient. “Were trying to get one for Larry Stone,” said a Rotary member, “so we can adjourn on time.”
But a side effect more serious than legendary schmoozer Larry Stone going mute on the dinner circuit is the shrinking of human arms evident since the advent of Research in Motion’s proprietary technology enabling annoying email delivery to employees in church, movie theaters and romantic restaurants.
“The average human arm is three centimeters shorter than it was just 6 years ago,” said Dr. Sanjay Wookrup. “We attribute this to evolutionary processes set in motion by a sharp decrease in hugging due to time spent on the Blackberry. Like the proverbial baby that is never held by its mother, we could all shrivel up and die.”
“Whoa, that doc is whack,” said self-described Blackberry addict and freshman councilman Pierluigi Oliverio. “My arms are in perfect proportion.”
In related news, researchers report that the human ear seems to be growing in relation to the amount of time a Bluetooth device awkwardly dangles unused from the earlobe.
Just think— someday, if this trend of constant use of all these communication devices continues—people will never come in contact with other people. When they do—they won’t know how to act. You know people say and react in any manner conceivable on the Internet—but if they had to be face to face with a person—actions and words would be different. And we wonder why friendliness and compassion are actions evaporating from our society.
Concerned Citizen
Democracy Facing New Threat
San Jose (FFN)—According to a leading political analyst, unless Americans make drastic changes in the way they communicate with each other, our government faces collapse in as few as ten years.
“The way I see it,” said Willem “Dutch” Krankzinnig, an analyst with the prestigious Finfan Foundation, “if American arms continue to shorten in length it will soon be impossible for our politicians to practice their craft.”
Explaining the importance of arm length in the political arena, Krankzinnig warned that at a certain point, politicians would no longer be able to shake hands from an impersonal distance, pat each other on the back, reach into other people’s pockets, grope interns, pass money under the table, wave to adoring supporters, or amuse themselves during those long office hours when they’re pretending to be studying legislation.
“Remove all that from the Beltway and you might find yourself confusing it with the Kremlin—absent the vodka, bad breath, and murder, of course.”
Despite Krankzinnig’s dire predictions, opinions in Congress are varied, from those, like Barney Frank, who has a real passion for short arms, to those, like Hillary Clinton, who candidly admits that though she’s found them useful in the past, she’d be happy if she never had to work with another one.
As a social experiment/lark, a “You’re on hidden camera outfit” should set up a phony doctor’s office located inside a Fry’s with an offer to surgically embed cell phone chipsets w bluetooth into your skull along with an input jack for upgrading the firmware.
That would be must see SV TV.
Who says we’re addicted! They are not called “crackberry” for nothing!
#2. I’m afraid the time when the addiction to technology has eclipsed human interaction is already here.
A few weeks ago I attended a business dinner in the private dining room of a restaurant. A woman barged in and proceeded to have a LOUD cell phone conversation. When a member of our group said “Excuse me, this is a private meeting.” Her response was an angry “EXCUSE ME…I’M ON A CALL HERE!.”
Were phone booths really so bad?
Another good one Finfan!
Yeah, and when they aren’t on their Blackberrys (Blackberries?) the under 35 dressed all in black set have their IPod earbuds stuffed firmly in their ears so they can avoid all contact with anyone in their vicinity.
The PRESTIGIOUS Finfan Foundation? I thought it was the FRUSTRATED Finfan Foundation. HHHMMM.
This J-MAC IV-Finfan point/counterpoint is a Friday highlight.
J-Mac IV,
I am only channeling your own demention and absurdity.
Thank you.
Ah, come on John, I’ll play with you too…get a story going!
I went on a plane flight last week and as I walked through the aisle every SINGLE person was on a cell phone or a Blackberry. And we wonder why we need the internet to get dates!
#12. Touche!
4 women in a group visiting, all talking at the same time… all listening to and talking to each other. How they can do that I’ll never understand.
Just think; each with a blue tooth cell their ear; now it’s 8 at the same time.
And… if on the other end of each of those ear cells is another woman also engaged in a similar overlapping simultaneous conversations . . . and so on… and so on… and so on…
No wonder the bees can’t find their way back to the hive. Maybe they to now have microscopic blue tooth cells.
This conversation belongs in a bar. That is the problem with the internet and these devices. People don’t seem to relax and enjoy “shooting the SH@t” with poeple in a bar or coffee house anymore.
And that is a shame. Off to drink alone.