Say They Won’t Accept Jim Beall as Family
Several direct Neanderthal descendants have filed suit against a group of scientists that claim they have found DNA that proves there is a link between the extinct cavemen and Homo sapiens.
The decision to litigate came after a group of Neanderthalians visited the Santa Clara County Board of Supervisor’s meeting in order to track progress on their application for a gambling license. When they spotted Supervisor Beall on the dais, they sensed immediately that he was an imposter.
“The resemblance to my great-great-great-great-great- well you get the idea, -great grandpa was uncanny,” said a Neanderthal tribal elder. “Even his walk and speech patterns were spot on. But we knew something was amiss. This Homo sapien does not deserve to be called a Neanderthal.”
Several witnesses say the misunderstanding came after members of the audience began shouting “you Neanderthal” and “who’s you’re Daddy” in reaction to Supervisor Beall’s support for the eradication of rabid squirrels.
You can’t convince me that he is more Neanderthal than Homo sapien,” said one of the neighborhood cave leaders. “My people are heavyset and thick browed and your people are taller, more slender and smarter. We also lack the intellectual abilities to be state assemblymen…well that wasn’t my best argument.”
JM IV,
It sounds like activity and creativity has come to a screeching halt at SJI. With all the excitement of the holidays just around the corner, San Jose’s new mayor, pro baseball and football to the south bay, the state of world affairs, and this is all you can come up with?
Today is a sad day for SJI….
Our Lazy Cousins
(FFN) ZAGREB — Bone fragments and artifacts recently unearthed in Croatia may shed light on a question that has long puzzled scientists: what happened to the Neanderthals? Skeletal remains of both hominid species, located in a series of caves anthropologists believe once served a large and prosperous Neanderthal community, suggest that our extinct cousins had a hand in their own doom.
“The evidence indicates that modern humans were probably welcomed into the Neanderthal community,” said Louise Leakey-Borders, a scientist at the prestigious Minuteman Institute. “It’s really quite remarkable, but unique finger and joint deformities discovered on our ancestor’s remains suggests that they were in the community as workers, not equals. Significantly, other than some low-brow graffiti, the only cultural artifacts discovered were Neanderthal. It looks as if our ancestors were brought into the community simply to do the work that Neanderthals wouldn’t do.”
Dr. Leakey-Borders went on to speculate that, unable to stop the flood of hungry workers and the destruction of their superior culture, the Neanderthals moved north in a desperate and futile attempt to distance themselves from their irresponsibly reproducing competitors and, hopefully, recapture their once-promising way of life.
“It was really quite a tragedy. The winters were harsh, game was scarce, and after so many generations of having others do their labor, frankly, the Neanderthals just couldn’t cut it. I guess the lesson here is that you can never have it good enough to survive becoming stupid and lazy.”
Why do I even bother to navigate to this site on Fridays? Oh, right, it’s because I’m catching up on posts from earlier in the week.
This column was so easy, a caveman could do it.
Better be careful here, John. You might piss off Rich Robinson.
Although DNA has proved a direct link, the cavemen point to the OJ defense to contridict any indisputable evidence…
Looks like it’s time for the weekend for a lot of bitter people!
I heard there’s a big going away party for Mr. Beall as he leaves the county to continue his career in Sacramento. I certainly hope both neanderthals and homo sapiens in attendance are given sufficient quantities of No-Doze to get through his sure-to-be-thrilling and much-anticipated going away speech. Meth might be more effective, but ill-advised in such a situation.
John, I very much enjoy your wit and humor. It’s the only thing that keeps me reading….
Bitterness rules!
I see that the Mercury has quite a few pieces on Tom McEnery advising Mayor-elect Chuck Reed for his transition.
Gee I sure hope that during Mayor Reed’s tenure, the city doesn’t suffer a $60 million bond loss unlike what happened during McEnery’s time in office back in ‘84.
Wow $60 million loss in treasury bonds. That really makes the whole $4 million grand prix subsidy seem like nothing at all.
#11 if you keep track of things in San Jose you would see that it wasn’t Mayor McEnery who lost the money but some buracrats sucked in by some shady stock traders. The were sued and most of the money was returned to san jose