Larry Stone Defends Eating Habits and Other Accusations

A former press secretary for taxman Larry Stone has written a “tell-all” book seriously implicating his former boss with several scathing accusations meant to demean and embarrass the county assessor.

Accused of living inside a “bubble” of fundraising galas, deals at the highest levels of county government and feasts of overcooked chicken, Mr. Stone says he is shocked at the amount of vitriol in the memoir.

“This is nothing more than a disgruntled, former employee with nothing better to do than to attack my appetite,” said Mr. Stone. “He was never in the position to know the quickness of my metabolism or the capacity of my stomach.”

The book, titled What Happened: Inside the Stone Schmooze Machine and Why the Poultry Population Has Declined Commensurate with His Social Outings, is due to be released next week. Brief excerpts obtained by Metro Newspapers include:

A hunting accident at the Coyote Valley Sporting Clays annual fundraiser in which he accidently blew the earlobe off Supervisor Don Gage;

Academic troubles resulting in a failing mark in spelling, requiring little Larry to repeat fourth grade;

Discrimination charges filed by a former employee, retired police dog Fido Harris, hired for the assessor’s security detail;

A strange conversation between Stone and members of his foursome at Corde Valle in which he was overheard saying he couldn’t remember if he had snorted the Viagra.

And in a particularly damning statement, the author confesses, “The most powerful leader in the county, nay, the state, had called upon me to restore the credibility he lost amid the MLB spelling fiasco by having me stand at the county briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly state that he was a better speller than Dan Quayle . . . There was one problem. It was not true.”