Officials Act Swiftly To Prevent Spread Into Brains
Just hours after water officials banned boats in county reservoirs to protect the water supply from an invasive shellfish, Kim Roberts, the Executive Director of the Santa Clara Valley Health and Hospital System, ordered the supervisors quarantined after an aggressive mollusk was found attached to several of their heads.
“We’ve had to shut down the whole county apparatus for awhile as we try to eradicate the shellfish,” said Ms. Roberts. “We want to assure everyone that this will have no discernable affect on how the county runs.”
Area doctors are in agreement that the snail does represent an immediate danger to those it attaches itself to as the aggressive species looks for raw human brain to survive on. Once it enters the organ through the auditory canal, it is a virtual gastropod Thanksgiving.
“Not much is left of the cognitive functions of the brain once the animal makes contact,” one doctor said. “But naturally that wouldn’t disqualify them from performing their daily function as county representatives.”
Dr. Paige Walter, Chief of Malacology at Stanford University Medical Center warns that we have to understand we are dealing with “very limited creatures that move at a snail’s pace and have almost no recognition as to the havoc they cause. But they still have a right to be protected from the mussels.”
There was a brain-eating snail
That through the sewer escaped from the jail
It swam to the County
Expecting great bounty
But now lives on a starvation scale
When asked about the quarantine, Governor Schwarzenegger seemed confused. “I alvays heard the supervisors suffered from ze lack of muscles, ya? Too many girly men. Now dey have too many muscles? How can zis be?”.
Taking his cue from the governor Dave Cortese immediately began a whistlestop tour of all the Gold’s gyms and GNC outlets in the area.
One slightly miffed gym member was overheard asking another “I wear a weight belt and always have a spotter – why does he keep telling me I’m safe?”.
That’s not an ‘invasive shellfish’—it’s the annual Venture Capital Group convention, held in the county reservoir system.
They’ve always sought to steal the brainpower of Bay Area residents. They’ve just gotten a little aggressive this year.
Ah John, Thank you for this column. I have always wondered why they make the decisions they do.